Dookie’s Obnoxious “Open Letter” To Kyrie Irving As Obnoxious As You’d Expect

Last night's NCAA title game was horrible to watch, so thank goodness Chris Cusack of the Duke Chronicle, who was apparently born with a bronzed asshole, is sending the 2011 college basketball season out on a high note by writing this very hateable open letter to Kyrie Irving.

Now, before we dive in, I must warn you: there is a toxic amount of self-satisfied sarcasm in this letter. It's positively dripping with privileged, smarmy assholishness. One drop of it on your local reservoir would be enough to turn all your town's women and children into Jay Mohr impersonators.

Dear Kyrie,

Go pro… sticking around and winning a fifth national title for the Blue Devils is just selfish, even if you haven't ever won one yourself. Think about it: Cameron is already full of national championship banners, and adding one of your own would ruin the symmetry in the rafters. Sure, you'll give up your chance to be remembered as one of Duke's all-time greatest basketball players, but I bet if you asked Christian Laettner, he would tell you that fans don't remember collegiate legacies anyway. Well, at least until he tries to visit Kentucky, where his likeness is still routinely burned in effigy on the anniversary of "The Shot."

And on and on it goes. Duke folks seem to have a real problem with students who would abandon their precious school. What? Leave Duke? But it's so perfect here! What with all the manicured quads, and white people named Tyler! What kind of beastly savage would ever voluntarily remove themselves from such an intellectual paradise? If you want to leave Duke early, you clearly must be some cynical money-grabbing street urchin who never really appreciated the sacred halls of our fair institution to begin with. You were not a real KOACH K KID. You were a mercenary. From the street! And Duke does not abide by mercenaries. That is strictly the province of crass programs such as, I dunno, MICHIGAN.

Anyway, if you feel like putting your hand through a window, by all means read the rest of the letter. The reveal at the end that the author was being sarcastic the whole time came as a complete shock to me. Only a Duke student would have the mental dexterity to pull off such a subtle and grandly comic illusion.

Oh, and I hope Kyrie Irving leaves Duke immediately and shits on his dorm room floor on the way out.