Eli Manning: Stop Wearing T-Shirts Over Your Shoulder Pads

I'm really happy for Eli Manning and all, especially since he just beat America's Most Dominant Sports City for the second time and sent Shank into his usual round of rectal self-examination. But someone needs to explain to this man that he'll never stop being treated like a 12-year-old from a Sunny D commercial if he keeps rocking the t-shirt-over-pads combo every time he wins a title.

This is not a good look. Eli looks like a kid who went out trick-or-treating in a padded Superman outfit when he does this. "Hey, we won it all! Let's dress up like Hans and Franz!" Come on, man. Take your pads off. Ninety percent of the joy that comes from participating in a sporting event is taking your equipment off afterwards. Ever play a football game and then take off your shoulder pads? ECSTASY. Ever play a soccer game and then peel off those sweaty shinguards? Bliss.

After winning a title, you should take off your pads, strut around in a sweaty undershirt, and let your pit hair breathe free. The cameras are already in the locker room, so what's the difference? The whole world is your locker room now. You shouldn't add another layer to the whole thing. That's lunacy. Why are all Mannings so hellbent on suffocating their own skin? No wonder they're so pasty.

This man just won his second Super Bowl and thoroughly emasculated Tom Brady, a millionaire fashion model who makes babies with Brazil's leading thong horse. He needs to start ACTING like it. He needs to throw those pads down, take his dick out, and rub his balls on Belichick's sweatshorts. You earn the right when you take down the king twice.