A dog doesn’t want to be at the ballpark any more than an alligator

It’s no surprise that a Philly sports fan popped a nickel into my back and pulled the cord for a rant, because I don’t think Wally the alligator is cute, and am not amused by attention seekers. And that’s what people who bring their pets everywhere are: Banal humans who have to trick others into interacting with them.

“Look at me! I have a leashed animal where it’s not supposed to be! Come pet it, and talk to me as if I was interesting!” I’m not doing that you f*cking moron, and somebody please arrest this jackass because I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to have alligators as pets.

My cousin had a gator, and he got rid of it after it bit him on the nose. He’s lucky it didn’t leave him disfigured.

When I think of unlikely domesticated creatures on a leash, I think of the nihilists who threw a ferret in the Big Lebowski’s bathtub. So, congratulations, Joie Henney of Philadelphia, you have something in common with Torsten Voges, and a group of people who casually threaten castration

Those who need an animal for emotional support might want to try relationships, or therapy first, and see if human interaction fixes the litany of issues that brought them to a place where they have to bring their toy to Red Lobster as an adult. I was so young when my parents barred me from bringing Ninja Turtles to restaurants that I don’t even remember if they ever let me do it in the first place.

The only animal that should leave the house for anything but a walk is a seeing-eye dog, and I cannot stress enough how emotionally immature — or idiotic — one has to be to try to bring an alligator, let alone a dog, to a baseball game.