Sophie The Giraffe Must Die

Before I get to the question of the week, I just want to let you know that I'm gonna do an AMA over at Reddit tomorrow at 1 p.m. And you might think to yourself, "Hey, how's that different from a Live Funbag"? Well, uh ... look, I'll explain it all tomorrow. Just put on your Troll Face and go. Now, to the question of the week ...

Chris:

I realize the entire baby industry is rife with rip-offs, but isn't Sophie the Giraffe a complete scam? Not only was I bent over when I bought the thing but then when I brought it home, my son preferred to play with an empty cereal box rather than the little long-necked Frenchie ruminant.

Let me explain this situation to all the non-parents out there so that they can collectively agree to never have children: Sophie the Giraffe is a small rubber giraffe toy that squeaks. That's all Sophie does. There's nothing revolutionary about this toy, apart from the fact that it costs $22. And yet, due to some some bizarre, Gladwellian cultural alchemy, Sophie the Giraffe has become the hottest baby accessory in modern history. EVERY new parent today has either bought this giraffe or has been given this giraffe. Cribs from coast to coast are now littered with Sophies. How? Why? It's just a fucking chew toy.

In fact, it's the WORST chew toy. Sophie makes a squeak that is somehow squeakier than other baby toys. When a child plays with Sophie for more than thirty seconds, the resulting bukkake of squeaks is enough to make you want to rip the child's head off. Sophie's squeak PENETRATES you. It digs into your cranial cavity and smashes everything it sees. For such a simple toy, it sure knows how to do maximum damage. I have an older kid who likes to squeak the thing in front of our one-year-old. Nothing will ruin you like waking up to that fucking giraffe at 6:30 in the morning. I have hidden Sophie all over this house to protect my precious ears from her constant braying. I hope Germany invades France all over again and LEVELS the Sophie factory. Sophie is evil.

OK, time to dive into the Live Funbag below.