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This was just the first of 13 celebrations on the day.
Photo: Robert Cianflone (Getty Images)

If you haven’t heard, the United States puréed Thailand by a score of 13-0 in their 2019 Women’s World Cup opening match today. You don’t score 13 goals without at least some of them being nice, so here’s an objectively correct ranking of every goal:

1. Alex Morgan (74th minute)

2. Rose Lavelle (20th minute)

3. Mallory Pugh (84th minute)

4. Megan Rapinoe (79th minute)

5. Alex Morgan (87th minute)

6. Alex Morgan (81st minute)

7. Carli Lloyd (92nd minute)

8. Alex Morgan (12th minute)

9. Lindsey Horan (32nd minute)

10. Rose Lavelle (56th minute)

11. Sam Mewis (50th minute)

12. Alex Morgan (53rd minute)

13. Getting dribbled by Tobin Heath so badly that you fall down and curse the vengeful god that has forsaken you


14. Sam Mewis (54th minute)

Staff Writer at Deadspin

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