Everything in 2020 Sucks, So Yankees Get Trump to Throw Out First Pitch in Empty Stadium...Yep

Donald Trump shows off his athletic prowess on the White House lawn Thursday.
Donald Trump shows off his athletic prowess on the White House lawn Thursday.
Photo: (Getty Images)

Welcome to the 2020 Major League Baseball season. Everything here is shit.

Major League Baseball’s pinned tweet this month has been a 53-second hype video for the season, featuring several stars of the game. The display image for that 53-second video was Juan Soto. Thursday, naturally, Soto tested positive for COVID-19, and even though he’s been in contact with the Nationals while carrying the virus, well, there wasn’t even a thought to postpone the defending world champions’ opening game against the Yankees.


The Yankees already are without closer Aroldis Chapman because COVID-19 afflicts unapologetic domestic violence assholes all the same as it does cool people like Soto. No, we haven’t forgotten that, despite Hal Steinbrenner claiming in 2017 that Chapman’s alleged choking of his girlfriend and admitted use of a gun in 2015 would eventually fade from memory.

Steinbrenner’s organization now is inviting Donald Trump — yes that Donald Trump, the president whose absolute shit response to coronavirus has led to thousands of needless deaths and heaven only knows what kind of long-term health effects for millions of Americans — to throw out the first pitch at a Yankees game.

What kind of dipshit idea is this?

If it’s something that really happens this August 15, it’s Trump throwing out the first pitch at a stadium that’s empty because this asshole decimated the country’s ability to respond to a pandemic, then fucked around for months, again, leading to thousands of needless deaths and heaven only knows what kind of long-term health effects for millions of people.

It would have to be this year, because if there’s a crowd at Yankee Stadium, they’ll boo the shit out of Trump, just like Nationals fans booed the shit out of Trump at last year’s World Series, because Trump was a shitty, corrupt, racist, bungler of a president long before coronavirus came around.

Or maybe if they do it this year, they can just have Mariano Rivera alone in the stands to cheer Trump, because now the greatest closer of all time is showing up at the White House and… fuck, we already knew he was a Trump supporter, but tried to ignore it, and, well, let’s just move on, but also remember the website where you read “Baseball’s Performative Wokeness Is Fake As Hell,” because, well, yeah.


Meanwhile, Dr. Anthony Fauci, whom Trump has tried to discredit and at times treated like a political rival, was very 50 Cent-like in his first pitch to open the season at Nationals Park.


There was another game on Thursday night, the Giants and Dodgers renewing their classic rivalry. Pitching for the Dodgers, of course, would be their future Hall of Famer, Clayton Kersh — actually, nope, hours before the game, Kershaw went on the injured list. Don’t worry, though, it’s not coronavirus, it’s just back stiffness because Kershaw is getting older and his body is starting to break down.

Even without Kershaw, the Dodgers should still be just fine when it comes to making the playoffs, because 16 of the 30 teams in the majors are going to get to take part in the postseason this year, as reported by ESPN’s Jeff Passan. Had this system been in place last year, the 78-84 Texas Rangers would have been a playoff team — odds are, with more than half the teams in the majors making the playoffs, someone with a losing record is going to get in. Yeah, that’s what this sport really needs, some total Columbus Blue Jackets shit.


Oh, and this playoff format means that the third-best team in a league might have a worse opponent than the best team in a league.

The season has only just begun. Everything is shit, but if 2020 has taught us anything, it can always get worse.

Sorry to all the other Jesse Spectors for ruining your Google results.