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Fantasy Football: The Musical Needs Your Help

Although this story does not contain tiny Mexican wrestlers nor furries, it's still undeniably batshit. A NYC theater group is in search of stage actors to portray Bill Simmons, Matthew Berry, and J-Bug for an upcoming fantasy football musical. Kapow!

Yes, here's the breakdown for Fantasy Football: The Musical, which will apparently be part of the 2009 New York Musical Theater festival. Please alert any of your thespian friends to make this production magically come to life:

Breakdown for

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Kristin Johnson
New York, NY


September 1991, NYC. An unemployed stats geek & a small-time bookie realize that their passion for sports is keeping them from holding a job or a girlfriend. Joining forces, they set out to create the ultimate sports fan experience-and in the process, pull their lives together-in this "bromantic comedy" of a musical.


Matthew Berry:
Mid–late 20s. Strong comic lead. Sports-obsessed guy who doesn't have much going for him in the career department; covers his lack of success w/sarcasm. Tenor to G.

Bill Simmons:
Mid–late 20s. Very funny leading man. Runs small underground gambling ring, but is looking for the next big thing to take him over the top. Has a fair amount of hubris when it comes to being caught by the law. Tenor to A.


Mid–late 20s. Leading lady. Up-and-coming singer-songwriter who sadly allows her boyfriend Bill to care more about sports than about her. Beautiful singing voice. Must accompany herself on guitar.

Mid–late 20s. Classic frat bro in every sense. Drinks beer, smokes weed, watches football, goes bowling. Creates tons of "would you rather" sports hypotheticals. Manly singer w/high G.


Mid–late 20s. Most successful former-bro of the group. Has become a lawyer and a bit square since college, but still knows how to loosen his tie & have a good time. Baritone.

Mid–late 20s. Matthew's odious former rival from the college newspaper. Used nepotism to get a sweet job in sports; lords it over everyone at every opportunity. Just a jerk. Baritone.


Cousin Sal:
Mid – late 20s. The bro who doesn't speak because he's fixated on the TV. Has priceless tacit reactions to other events around him. Sings an epic hero song. Must be able to play an instrument.

Mid – late 20s. The possibly-psychotic Christian activist who drives Stoner insane with her chirpy and peppy love for all things religious. Delightful soprano with patter song.


Late teens – early 20s. Rebecca's younger cousin who is a supposed clone of her elder kin, but has a secret wild side: her love of sports and bro-culture that she reveals as soon as the other girls leave the room. Delightful soprano with patter song.

Skip Berry:
Late teens – early 20s. Matthew's nerdy younger brother, whose wholesome geekiness gives way to angsty punk rock when he bursts into song. Punk rock voice. Must be able to rap.


Mrs. Berry:
Jewish, 45 – 55. Loving single mother who cares deeply about her two sons, but is struggling to make ends meet. Powerful, soulful voice.

Mr. Bulgewater:
45 – 55. Eccentric billionaire who loves the sound of his own voice. Amused at his own ridiculous success, and feels the right to interrupt anyone. Baritone.


Officer Kilborn:
40 – 50. Policeman who is looking for that one big case to send his career to the next level. Thinks he lives in the real life "CSI". No singing required.

You can't say the producers of this didn't do their homework. By casting Simmons as a tenor, they'll definitely be able to pick up his distinct nasality. I hope this production also explores the origins of the Talented Mr. Roto's (alleged!) latent sexual deviance.


Fantasy Football: The Musical? [Actor's Equity]

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