Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Fernando Tatis is Defecating on Baseball’s ‘Unwritten Rules’ and it’s Spectacular

Fernando Tatis Jr. cares not for your unwritten rules.
Fernando Tatis Jr. cares not for your unwritten rules.
Image: (Getty Images)

The custom of baseball, after some manager bitches about unwritten rules that he very well may have made up, is that everyone wants the whole conflict to go away as quickly as possible. You’ll hear some pregame quotes about going overboard or respecting the opponent or some other boilerplate horseshit. Luckily, Fernando Tatis Jr. is not here for horseshit. So the day after Rangers manager Chris Woodward filled his pants about Tatis swinging at a 3-0 pitch with the Padres having a big lead, he did this with the Padres up a touchdown.

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This is pure. It’s pure taking the unwritten rules and using them in the fashion of toilet paper. It’s a middle finger to the traditions of baseball no one with a brain is beholden to anymore. Fernando Tatis is anarchy, he’s revolution, he’s punk rock, and he’s taking baseball with him. Outfuckingstanding.

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-Returning to baseball dumbness, Nick Markakis — who originally opted out of the season but opted back in after seeing his teammates on TV — has to be held out of baseball now because he’s been exposed to COVID-19. Which is the exact reason he didn’t want to play in the first place. The snake has eaten its own tail and thrown it up all at the same time.


The NBA Playoffs rolled on, with both No. 1 seeds laying an egg in their respective Game 1s. The Bucks were never in it against the Magic, with Nikola Vucevic going for 35 as the Bucks went cold from deep.

The Lakers have a trickier matchup in that while they’ve been killing time with dress rehearsals and table readings for a couple of weeks, the Blazers have actually been playing games that had things riding on them. Even 17 assists in a triple-double effort from LeBron James wasn’t enough to counter the orphanage-sad 15.6 percent the Lakers shot from three or their 35 percent overall.

Of course, there was some time for some clutch Dame-shit…

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You gotta pick this guy up at the buffet, people. Lillard only went for 34, so he’s clearly slacking now. But just like in their do-or-die game against Brooklyn, Lillard fought through the double-teams and traps late to find Carmelo, Gary Trent Jr., and Jusuf Nurkic for key buckets.

This isn’t a serious warning siren for the Lakers, who couldn’t be that balloon-handed from three again if they tried punting the ball in every time, but they’re also not going to get a red carpet either.

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The NHL’s first-round had its first casualty, as the Vegas Knights finally put the Chicago Blackhawks out of their misery. The Knights never really got out of second gear in the series, and yet kicked the Hawks around like some pagan ritual to the tune of getting 2/3rds of the scoring chances over the series for themselves. The only reason they had to break a sweat last night was Corey Crawford turned into a hydra in Game 4, otherwise it would have ended in the sweep it so thoroughly deserved to be.

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The Caps were able to stave off being the first victim of the first round and being swept by the Islanders by coming back from two goals down thanks to Alex Ovechkin, to win 3-2. It’s a thing Ovie does from time to time.

Have you ever looked at a dollar bill, man?

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