Fictional Hooper Bracket: Western U. Region - Round 2

Once Quincy gave up the bullshit, he probably turned out a lot like Mr. Cooper, AKA a solid dude who is very caring and great with kids. I don’t know about the comedic timing part of it, but Monica seemed very happy by the end of Love & Basketball. She was the alpha in that relationship, and the better basketball player, which was on display again as her man Q was upset by Clarence Withers in the Venice Region.

Mr. Cooper probably could’ve spent a season or two on the bench for a couple NBA teams, but his destiny was helping his roommates, eventually getting engaged to one, and teaching children the benefits of physical fitness. (At the time, it was entirely believable that Coop would get a tryout with the Warriors. Oh, how the lowly has risen.) The show took a family turn in the middle seasons, before eventually getting canceled prior to Mr. Cooper getting his (wedding) ring.

Monica got her ring and her man and her career and a child. She was uncompromising, and definitely not a token NBA wife. Her love of hoops can’t be rivaled by anyone in this entire tournament save for maybe Billy Hoyle. It’ll be hard to find someone in the opening rounds who can even hang with her, and Mr. Cooper is probably getting canceled (not that canceled) for a second time.

The aesthetics of this matchup are fantastic, with one character straight out of 1975 and the other throwing it back to 1976. Jackie Moon wasn’t the best player on the Flint Tropics, but damn those uniforms were as flawless as his hair. Cochise rocking an unironic backward golf cap and letter jacket — and pulling it off — is a vibe, and part of the reason he was so cool. I still think if Rick Barry wasn’t such an unrepentant asshole, the granny free-throws that Moon shoots would be cooler.

All styles being equal, the key to this game will be how much do people overlook Semi-Pro not being that great of a movie versus how much do people actually know Cooley High. Out of all of Will Ferrell’s sports movies, Semi-Pro, is second to last only because Blades of Glory was unwatchable. (Thank the lord we’re far beyond the days when that Napoleon Dynamite guy was a big enough to star opposite Ferrell.)

Perhaps if Common ever got that Cooley High reboot made, Cochise would be a bigger presence in the fictional basketball stream of consciousness. I’m more concerned for him against Moon than when he antagonized animals at the zoo. (I was going to write about the through line of animal abuse in these movies, but opted for the style of the ’70s instead. #FreeDewey)

Kevin Malone is going to have to step up his paint presence in this matchup. We didn’t get to see him play a 5-on-5 game in that episode of The Office, but that jumper was cash. Full suit, no warm-up, didn’t matter. They were just feeding him the ball. He was hotter than the chili he spilled on the floor. What I don’t know about Kevin is how well he uses his body to protect the paint. If he can’t, then Grandmama is going to have a field day. It’s March Madness time, so the best comp for Grandmama’s game would be Larry Johnson at UNLV, except with a lot more elbows. She would need a talking to in 2022 about how the game is played, and that elbows above the neck and stepping on the foot of a shooter is frowned upon. It’s cute when she says she plays dirty in 1990s shoe commercials, but she’d get booed like Grayson Allen if she played like that today. Kevin is a man of many talents and one of the more beloved characters in this tournament. He’s gonna need it, too, because there was no one in that Dunder Mifflin warehouse coming down the lane like Grandmama.

So if it wasn’t obvious by looking at the bracket this is the matchup of the second round. Crane does not hold a candle to Deane when it comes to memorable, seminal characters in basketball movie, because it’s hard god damn work making the chumps in the L.A. streetball scene look so bad. But if you want to talk about a matchup that would get wagers flowing at the courts, let Ty Crane take a trip down the 5 freeway to play against Sydney. On the court, Crane is taller, stronger, and on his way to becoming a top draft pick in the NBA. In 1992, he’d be a longer Charles Barkley with a jumper. And the youngster would not let up on Sidney for one second on the trash-talk. The first time Sidney calls him a “ raw meat eating, whole milk guzzling, HGH injecting, no hairline having, Ivan Drago forehead having autobot,” Crane would go right down the court, dunk in Sidney’s face and say, “stay out my way, bitch.” Sydney Deane acts like nothing phases him on the basketball court, but getting that from a 17-year-old would shake him worse than when Billy Ho whispered in his ear, telling him he’d been conned, while they were having that shooting contest by the beach. Oh the people will be on Sidney Deane’s side, and that might be enough to get him through. But he’s not gonna have enough energy to even go to Sizzler after trying to wrangle this tank all day.