5. Amy Schumer vs. Atlanta Heckler
Amy houses this lady. It's like Foreman vs. Frazier by the end, with the drunk in the front playing the role of Smokin' Joe. It's funny: when it comes to hecklers, they're almost always young men and middle-aged women. Why such a bizarre cross-section? I look forward to Malcolm Gladwell's upcoming New Yorker essay about how these two seemingly disparate groups are united by a common thread.

4. Arj Barker vs. Chicago Heckler
This charming lady gets indignant about what a "gym" is—HOMOPHONES MAKE MY THINKBOX BURN! GRRRR!—and gets defensive after drawing attention to herself. It gets uncomfortable.

3. David Cross vs. Hippy Heckler
The heckler is upset that David Cross didn't support his favorite independent bookstore by arranging a signing there, so he leads with his social agenda and gets totally drubbed. It can't feel good when strangers are shouting, "Shut the fuck up!" at you.

2. Zach Galifianakis vs. Nurse Heckler
Mr. Galifianakis (you may know him as Seth's brother) actually welcomes the heckler on stage and lets her speak directly into the microphone. You're NEVER supposed to concede the mic, and yet he still wins. He provides what is by far the most gentlemanly verbal curbing in this series.

1. Patton Oswalt vs. Rooster Heckler
Two minutes in, a guy lets out a weird chicken noise because he can't deal with the pacing on Oswalt's joke. He must be out of his mind. Oswalt will always eat your bones. This one was so good—and pulled such a great crowd reaction—that it ended up on his album.