For Your Viewing Pleasure: Is This How You Kids Go Hawaiian?

• 12:00 — Biography: Donny and Marie Osmond [BIO] - "Well, you might like to hear some accordion; make that squeezebox swing." (This is our way to suggest that perhaps this is the day to clean out the eaves if you're not a fan of the football.) • 12:00 — Sport: Tennis - Sony Ericsson Championships, Final [ESPN2] Venus Williams versus Vera Zvonareva. Vicious. (Confidential to WKND: This is Doha.) • 1:30 — Sport: College Hockey - Notre Dame at Boston College [ESPNU] - We leave all our college hockey commentary to Geoff from Hoover Street Rag. • 3:45 — Sport: Auto Racing - Sprint Cup: Checker O'Reilly Auto Parts 500 [ABC] - Under the new Chase for the Cup playoff rules instituted to keep fans jam-packed with entertainment until the last race, Jimmie Johnson has to race in Phoenix while strapped into a HANS device made entirely from cactus. (And this has been your NASCAR narrowcasting joke of the week.)