Free Fenway Tickets To The Person Who Loves America The Most

Illustration for article titled Free Fenway Tickets To The Person Who Loves America The Most

Do you want presumably good seats to a Red Sox game at Fenway? All you have to do is convince the son of a failed presidential candidate that you hate socialism—and maybe make a small donation!


Tagg Romney, the eldest strapping young lad to burst forth from the American loins of the former governor of Massachusetts, has announced an essay contest (ooh, fun) on Mitt's website. All you have to do is write 250 words about what a "free and strong America means to you" and donate $50 dollars to his dad's political action committee. (I guess the part of America that holds essay contests isn't free.) The writer of the best essay will get a trip to Boston and get to sit in the Romney family seats at Fenway Park. Not with Mitt, though. Just you and Tagg, yuckin' it up and bein' all American and shit.

You may scoff at the offer to discuss family values behind the Red Sox dugout with a semi-prominent Mormon, but the Romneys are still kind of a big deal in the Commonwealth, so I bet the seats are pretty good. Give it a shot! Here's my entry:

"What does a free and strong America mean to me, Tagg? I'll tell you. It means a place where the women are more fertile than the briny, salt-infested badlands that we tread upon. A place where a man can raise whole farms full of strong young boys with names as rugged as the rock formations that will protect us from global warming (which doesn't exist, by the way.) A place where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the blueness of their shirts. A place where single-payer healthcare means I can use my American Express card for both Ny-Quil and boob jobs for my "friends." A place where comfortable slacks aren't just for Casual Fridays. A place where our national borders are safe and secure from unwanted intruders ... unless your great-grandpappy needs to a place to lay low for awhile as he builds his freaky, anything goes, sex harem.

Oh, but no gay stuff."

Gee, I still have 100 words or so to play with. I think he'll get the idea.

Essay Contest: Sit in the Romney Family Seats at Fenway [Mitt Romney's Free and Strong America PAC]