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Oh, God. Holy shit. Oh, man. Someone bring me a helmet so I can bang the earhole. I'm so horny for football right now that I'm ejaculating pure Gatorade. Free agency and training camp and preseason games and fantasy cheat sheets and Reggie Bush will soon be out of a job OMG PLEASURE OVERLOAD PLEASURE OVERLOAD! I just wanna hug and kiss and grope all of you, I'm so happy!

But before we get to the orgiastic celebration of the NFL's return, a couple of mandatory FUCK YOUs.

FUCK YOU, JERRY RICHARDSON. You tried to kill football BUT FOOTBALL WON BECAUSE FOOTBALL IS LOVE. And now you're gonna have to sit there for four years while Cam Newton tries and fails to grasp the nuances of a pro style offense. THIS IS WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU MESS WITH US.


FUCK YOU, VINCENT JACKSON. Yes you, Vincent Jackson! You glass cunt. You nearly ruined it for everyone. I should have expected it coming from you, Vincent Jackson. You've ALWAYS been a piece of shit, Mr. I-Plan-Holdouts-Poorly. You want $10 million extra? Here's an idea, asshole: FUCKING PLAY FOR IT. You and your hamstrings made of wet toilet paper can go eat a bag of loose stool.

FUCK YOU, LOGAN MANKINS. What the fuck do YOU need $10 million extra for? You can't even bother to SHAVE. Why don't you move to Wisconsin and make an album full of haunting acoustic love songs with light electronic flourishes? You had no business holding up this deal, and yet there you were, BEING A PENIS. Everyone with a brain was on the player's side until you and Vincent came along and had to go and play the part of Eddie Murphy's Uncle Gus. YOU TOOK THINGS TOO FAR!

FUCK YOU, JEFFREY KESSLER. You horrible lawyer person. Think you're a big man just because you're the Global Litigation Chair at Dewey & LeBoeuf? KISS MY LEBOEUF, YOU COCKPULLER.


Let me tell you something about lawyers. I've met a few lawyers in my time, and a lawyer's job is basically to take any situation and suck every last trace of humanity and compassion out of it. A good lawyer will convince you to view even your closest loved ones as future adversaries who will exploit you the second you are vulnerable. They'll imagine only worst-case scenarios, and terrorize you into thinking that they have a greater probability of happening than is really the case. As a consequence, we now live in a world devoid of verbal agreements, where a man's word is not only devalued, but ridiculed and derided. Now this is a good thing if you're an asshole, because it frees you from the terrible burden of having to keep your promises. But if you're a normal person? LAWYERS ARE CUNTS.

Lawyers have helped foster a culture of complete and total self-isolation and distrust of others. They do nothing to improve the world. In fact, they have helped to create an American legal system that serves itself more than the common man. Areas of the law that should be simple are purposely vague and inscrutable to the layman, with lawyers rendering all legal documents into endless, impenetrable texts (like a CBA) they happily charge $500 an hour to read and interpret for you. Even the simplest situation can become agonizingly overcomplicated in their hands. They earn your trust by getting you to distrust everyone and everything else around you. Simply visualize the word ATTORNEY in your mind, and one will be summoned up from the underworld directly into your kitchen. Attorneys like YOU, Jeffrey Kessler. ATTORNEYS WHO ALWAYS HAVE TO FUCK UP A GOOD DEAL BY ASKING FOR ONE LAST GODDAMN THING AND NEARLY BREAKING THE CAMEL'S BACK.


FUCK YOU, NFL OWNERS. There, you got more money. Now you can build a stadium in L.A. and move the Vikings there and they'll probably win a title within three years of moving there because GOD HAS NO SOUL. Remember: we could have been spared all this bullshit if you dicks hadn't decided to be dicks about everything.

FUCK YOU, ROGER GOODELL. You know what? Not presiding over potentially the most damaging work stoppage of the history of American sport was the LEAST you could do. That was your big stupid job. And congrats! You did it. But don't expect people like me to go slobbing your knob over it. Oooh, loogit him! He didn't fuck up! LET'S GIVE HIM A DOLLAR!


FUCK YOU, PETER KING. Everyone else was working during this lockout. What did you do? You drank Hitler's coffee.

FUCK YOU, PEOPLE ROOTING FOR THE NFL TO FAIL. I know damn well our Tommy Craggs was rooting for the NFL to miss a great number of games and for fans to turn on the league so that they could at last see the NFL for the decidedly evil enterprise it is. WELL YOU CAN FORGET ALL THAT SHIT NOW, YOU COMMIE PINKO SOCIALIST HIPPIE YUPPIE YERBA MATE-DRINKING WHOREBAGS. The NFL is back for another DECADE to unfairly hog coverage of all sports and represent all the things that make Americans so oversized and imperialistic and I LOVE IT. And if you don't, you can go back to CAMBODIA.