Gene Keady's Giant Head Is Rated TV-14

The College Basketball Closer is written by the gang at Storming the Floor.

Technology has enhanced my college basketball viewing experience in many ways this season. There's the flat-screen TV that makes the players look like human beings instead of fuzzy blobs. There's the satellite package that brings arcane channels full of small-conference basketball beyond the city limits, and there's DVRs to tape the games I have to miss, and the high definition networks that sharpen the images to amazing levels.

All that was great until I took advantage of my access to the Big Ten Network last night. I was keeping an eye on the Illinois/Purdue game, and even admiring the multi-colored petals of the new Big Ten Tournament logo. Then came halftime. The studio hosts have a cushy platform above the action in the United Center, and they do the usual talking head analysis, which is OK. But then the director, for reasons unknown, decides to give us a close-up of Gene Keady, the designated ex-coach pundit for the network. Gene Keady's whole head, in High Def! It's crueler than waterboarding.

Ladies and gents, it was not a pretty sight. God Save the Fan, indeed. I'm a little wiser now - I can plan to watch a game and just skip halftime. But I learned the hard way last night.

The Games

Today's games are all important, so we'll just go conference by conference and see what huge matchup has come from the morass of upsets and unusual winners.

America East Final: #1 Maryland-Baltimore County vs. #2 Hartford. These two teams split their season series, and each game was a one-point win. Expect a close one. Neither team has ever been to the Big Dance, so this is kind of like two virgins hooking up.

ACC Semifinals: #1 UNC vs. #4 Virginia Tech and #2 Duke vs. #3 Clemson. The only upset along the way to this textbook seed pairing was Boston College over Maryland in the first round, which just saved us a step. This tournament is being played in Charlotte Bobcats Arena, so clearly the Chamber of Commerce will be rooting for the 1 vs. 2 matchup here.

Atlantic 10 Final: #5 St. Joseph's vs. #2 Temple. If you're planning on visiting Atlantic City for a casual day of gambling and staring at the Trump Casino, pick another weekend. Hordes of Philadelphians will be heading to the Boardwalk and there probably won't be a lot of brotherly love. A great game? Probably.

Big East Final: #1 Georgetown vs. #7 Pitt. I choose to view this as a battle between historical figures George Washington and William Pitt. That makes it funnier, doesn't it? Maybe a little. Otherwise, this will be a big vs. little game, as Pitt favors a guard-heavy lineup. The fact that the Hoyas seem poised to grab the auto-bid probably presages some kind of strange upset.

Big Ten Semifinals: #1 Wisconsin vs. #4 Michigan State and #10 Illinois vs. #6 Minnesota. These games should be fun for completely different reasons. Wisconsin and MSU only met once in the Big Ten this season due to unbalanced schedules, so this will be relatively new territory for both. Illinois, in the other game, has been winning in logic-defying ways: They narrowly edged Penn State, and bricking free throws like crazy in an OT upset of Purdue. Minnesota got in on a buzzer-beater over Indiana, but haven't beaten the Illini in two meetings this season.

Big 12 Semifinals: #1 Texas vs. #4 Oklahoma and #2 Kansas vs. #6 Texas A&M. The Big 12 has been so predictable over the past few years, with Kansas and Texas playing for the un-needed auto-bid more often than not. Will there be a change this season? Probably not. A&M upset K-State and Michael Beasley yesterday, stating their case for the bubble bid that nobody seems to want. Will it be enough to have gotten here, or do the Aggies need to avoid a blowout in Kansas City?

Big West Final: #5 Cal-Irvine vs. #3 Cal State-Fullerton. It's a well-kept secret that the Big West has some of the best damn team names out there. This one is Anteaters vs. Titans. The Titans haven't made the Big Dance since 1978, and the Eaters, never. I really can't wait to see what Irvine fans dress up as. I'm hoping there are prosthetic tongues.

Conference USA Final: #1 Memphis vs. #7 Tulsa. Snore. Wake me up when this is over, please.

MAC Final: #3 Akron vs. #1 Kent State. Akron hasn't been to the NCAA Tournament since 1986, so they'd no doubt like a picture for the trophy case that doesn't show guys in perms and short-shorts. Kent State swept the Zips this season, and the Flashes are still smarting from last season's final-game loss that kept them out of the postseason. Could there be a repeat?

MEAC Final: #7 Coppin State vs. #1 Morgan State. This will be a fun Pants Party preview no matter how you slice it. Coppin State is led by legendary coach Fang Mitchell, who led the Eagles to a tourney upset of South Carolina in 1997, and Morgan State is lead by Todd Bozeman, who has paid recruits and pitched a hissy about ham sandwiches (after losing to dreadful Longwood, I might add). This will be a good one.

Mountain West Final: #2 UNLV vs. #1 BYU. This one is almost an archetypal battle. There's Sin City against the Mormon Temple, right there for you, baby. Both teams are likely in the tournament, so enjoy this as just a simple basketball game. But with good vs. evil and all that. Are Mormons allowed to storm the floor?

Pac-10 Final: #2 Stanford vs. #1 UCLA. Classic matchup. The Tree will be there, the UCLA cheerleaders will be there, and both teams have talented big men to go to. One thing won't feel quite right, however. John Wooden likely won't be there, as he recovers from a fall in his home a couple of weeks ago. Then again, if he somehow shows up, the place will implode, then explode. Anyway, great game.

Southland Final: #7 Texas-Arlington vs. #5 Northwestern State. This is the Mavericks vs. the Demons, which is another stellar nickname battle. However, with all of the upsets in this lightly-regarded league, I think we're looking at the winner going to Dayton for the play-in game.

SWAC Final: #2 Mississippi Valley State vs. #4 Jackson State. Sadly, JSU ran Chief Kickingstallionsims and the Alabama State Hornets out of the tourney picture. If that's not enough reason to root for MVSU, root for the name Delta Devils.

WAC Final: #4 Boise State vs. #3 New Mexico State. I'm just dying for BSU to get in and end up playing Oklahoma. You know the rest.

Whew. I'm exhausted already, and there hasn't been a single game played. We'll check back in tomorrow to see how all of this turned out and preview the last few finals. Then STF will put together a special Selection Sunday post-mortem in the evening.

It's the most... wonderful time... of the year....