Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Goddammit, Fireman Ed Is Back

Illustration for article titled Goddammit, Fireman Ed Is Back

Because everything involving the Jets should be measured in its relation to the buttfumble, today marks the first time since halftime of the Thanksgiving night game that Fireman Ed crammed his head-butt into a modern structural helmet to lead Jets fans in remedial reading drills. Fuck him.

See, Ed isn’t just a twitchy, constipated narcissist, he’s a preachy, twitchy, backed-up skin tag of a man. Here’s an excerpt from his public “retirement” after QUITTING the buttfumble game at halftime:

I decided to leave Thursday because the confrontations with other Jets fans have become more common, even though most Jets fans are fantastic. This is an indication of how society has lost and is continuing to lose respect for one another.


It wasn’t the Jets that forced Ed out of the league, he says, but lone wolf Jets fan separatists who signal the downfall of the American way of life. I don’t know if that’s even worse than the actual reported reason the fans were giving him shit, which is that he was suspected of being a MANAGEMENT STOOGE for wearing a Mark Sanchez jersey.

And do you know what’s worse? The Jets pandered to this asshole. Just last year, they sent a recruiting party to wine and dine this asshole:

This past April, Anzalone said the Jets reached out to him about making a comeback. This led to an April meeting with a member of Jets management.

“Originally, they called me to see if I would come back to what I had done. They took me out to lunch to see if I had any interest in coming back,” Anzalone told Yahoo Sports. “I said no because it was the same problem, I couldn’t take my kids to the game. I told them I wouldn’t come back.

Ed said no at the time—for the same reasons he laid out when he left the first time—so it’s surprising to see him back today. Except, he isn’t really back, he’s just back for a second retirement. Today is actually Ed passing the dipshit baton to some new “chant leaders,” as he explains in an of course public letter, published today by Metro:

To All Jet Fans,

I want to say thank you for all the support for the 28 years of leading the cheer for the greatest chant in all of sports. The New York Jets organization asked me to come back and lead the chant with the new leaders of the chant one last time. I know the fan base loves the chant and rocking our house and I know that the tradition will continue with these energetic and passionate leaders.

My hope is the fan base will embrace these chant leaders and support them in good and bad days. I look forward to the future, knowing we’re in good hands with head coach Todd Bowles and general manager Mike Maccagnan.

I also look forward to the day we can raise the Lamar Hunt Trophy in our house as AFC Champs, and marching down the ‘Canyon of Heroes’ with the Lombardi Trophy. Until then I will be at home games as always since 1975 with my family rooting for the Green and White.

I have met thousands of passionate loyal jet fans through the years who want to win a championship in the worst way. Our time is coming! In closing Thanks again for all the years and as Always J-E-T-S Jets!Jets!Jets!


Eddie Anzalone

Whatever you say, Ed. Your face is a prolapse.

Photo credit: AP Images

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