You bright and risen angels! Tiger Woods is either contending for the British Open championship this weekend or, depending upon how seriously you take this comically overwrought Golf Channel promo, going nobly into that BATTLE we all must face, the final charge into the breach in pursuit of mastering our very SOULS and HEARTS, the dreadful apotheosis of cataclysmic ENERGY and FURY, the mettle-testing CRUCIBLE OF TRUTH where man’s honest character is revealed. Feast your eyes on Woods’s TRIUMPH OF THE SPIRIT or honestly whatever this is and also please enjoy the really involved neck-tape rig he’s locked into at the end.

Nothing gets me more pumped up to enjoy a rickety 42-year-old wincing as he shanks some irons than a minute and a half of BLOOD AND THUNDER.