Editor’s Note: As several keen-eyed readers have pointed out, the Siberian Times source article for this post is from 2013. D’oh. Still a pretty funny image.
The dozen or more inhabitants of the vast howling wilderness of Siberia will be happy to hear that laxative purveyor McDonald’s has announced plans to expand to their scenic homeland, literally a place whose name is synonymous with total desolation. The restaurant chain that surely must double as the actual hell for cows and chickens will open locations in Novosibirsk, Tomsk, Kemerovo, and Altai.
Here are some other cool things going on in Kemerovo these days: Families with three or more children will have sheep and rams distributed to them by the government for wool and food, delinquent beavers are chewing through signal wiring on the Trans-Siberian Railway, snow-crazed pensioners are double-fisting penis pills while running wild through the streets, and Yetis are so bored of roaming the barren wasteland that they’re socializing with the locals. Seems like a cool place to grab a McDouble! Probably not a milkshake, though. Will the drive-thru window be at elk height, is what I want to know.
McDonald’s no doubt sees this expansion as a viable hedge, should its plans to rebrand Stateside as whatever the hell a “modern progressive burger company” is fall flat, as they are doomed to do. In the meantime, it’s gotta be comforting for your average Siberian (pictured at top) to know that the next time he’s faced with traversing the practically endless inhospitable hellscape he calls home in order to make human contact—any human contact, dear Lord, are there still humans on this godforsaken planet—he can take with him a 10-piece McNuggets, as well as the warm companionship of the scorching, spurting diarrhea they impart.