Great Moments In Counterfactual History: Derrick Rose’s SAT Scores

Illustration for article titled Great Moments In Counterfactual History: Derrick Rose’s SAT Scores

Nobody seems to care all that much that Memphis basketball players Derrick Rose and Robert Dozier allegedly cheated on their SATs. But what might have happened if the news had come out a little sooner?


Charles Robinson and Jason Cole: Yahoo! Sports has learned tonight—on the eve of the national championship game between the Memphis Tigers and the Kansas Jayhawks—that star freshman guard Derrick Rose has been declared ineligible for allegedly cheating on his college entrance exam.

Jim Nantz: Hello, friends. I regret to report that March Madness has come to a sad end. Every rose has its thorn—and Derrick Rose's shocking suspension has forced the Memphis Tigers to concede tonight's title game to Kansas. Rock, chalk, championship by forfeit!

Billy Packer: CBS will never be able to force me out now. What college basketball needs to get through this horrible crisis is my patented brand of old-man finger wagging.

Mario Chalmers: I'm coming back to Kansas for my senior year. I might've left school early if I had made one of the greatest shots in NCAA Tournament history, but that didn't happen.

John Calipari: Considering all of these accusations, I believe it's for the best that I step down as the basketball coach at the University of Memphis.

The Door: (Creaks open, then closes. Forever.)


Erin Calipari's Facebook status: This is all Pat Forde's fault.


Chad Ford: We're hearing that Derrick Rose is plummeting out of the lottery. GM after GM has told us that Rose is untouchable because of perceived "character issues." With Pavel Podkolzin having pulled his name out of the draft, the Bulls are now strongly tied to Italian teenager Danilo Gallinari.

David Stern: With the first pick in the 2008 NBA Draft, the Chicago Bulls select … Derrick Rose from the University of Memphis.


Jeff Zeleny, New York Times: Vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin claimed today that Democrat Barack Obama "palled around" with the Chicago operatives who allegedly rigged star hoopster Derrick Rose's SAT test.

Dan Balz, Washington Post: In a historic election year, Barack Obama became the first African-American to secure his party's nomination for the presidency. Tonight, he became the first African-American to lose to John McCain. "My opponent ran a brilliant campaign," Obama said. "Those ads where they superimposed Derrick Rose's face over Willie Horton really worked."


John McCain: There is no place for a playoff in college football. The bowl system has worked just fine for a century and I don't see any reason to change it. Back when I was a boy in 1902, I remember going to the first Rose Bowl …

Jim Nantz: Rock, chalk, another championship. Mario Chalmers and Kansas have done it again!


Billy Packer: I don't care what the final score says, Jim. I'm giving the trophy to Tyler Hansbrough and the North Carolina Tar Heels. What a tough, scrappy, hard-working, effort-giving champion.

Pete Garcia, Florida International athletic director: We have conducted a comprehensive search to find the finest disgraced basketball mind in all the land. Today, we are proud to announce that John Calipari is our new head coach.


John Calipari: It is an honor and a privilege to be here. Now I'll let the newest FIU Golden Panthers, John Wall and DeMarcus Cousins, say a few words.

Isiah Thomas: It is an honor and a privilege to be in my living room, still unemployed.


Pat Riley: It is an honor and a privilege to become the coach at my alma mater, the University of Kentucky. I have the ingredient UK needs to get back to the promised land: slicked-back hair.

Myles Brand: After an exhaustive investigation, we have discovered no irregularities in Derrick Rose's SAT scores. Please carry on.


Report: NCAA accuses Memphis men's basketball of major violations [ESPN]
Memphis Tigers find no proof Derrick Rose cheated on SAT [ESPN]