You can't go wrong with Al B. Sure.

Titans at Seahawks


Two Throwgasms

Panthers at Vikings: I wonder if the Vikings tried to trade Christian Ponder this week. I can't even imagine the laughter on the other end of the line. Just one long, eight-hour guffaw.


I spent the better part of this week being the imaginary coach of the Vikings and inviting Christian Ponder into my imaginary office to imaginary demote him. It was a blast. I think I even began giving the imaginary speech out loud when I was alone in my car. "You're a good kid, Christian. Great kid. But right now, I think you still have some work to do. BUCK UP KIDDO YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT. Go home to that purty wife of yours and tell you love her." In real life, of course, I would never have the balls to demote him to his face. I would just avoid eye contact anytime I saw him in the hallway. I'm a real man like that.

Cardinals at Niners


One Throwgasm

Giants at Bears: A lot of people don't like Thursday Night Football, but I think we can all agree that TNF theme singer Priyanka Chopra is NOT UNATTRACTIVE:

What's that, Priyanka? You want me to kill your abusive boyfriend and steal his briefcase full of cocaine so that we can run off together? SAY THE WORD AND I'LL DO IT. Just promise me you sing that theme song to me on the plane to Rio, because it's terrible.


Raiders at Chiefs: The struggling Falcons are off this week, but I love that Jay Glazer is so good at breaking NFL news that he can basically declare Julio Jones out for the year before even Julio Jones really knows for sure.

GLAZER: He's out for the year!

FALCONS: Well, we need to get a second opinion before our concerns are...

GLAZER: HA HA HA SURE OKAY BUT FOR REAL HE'S DONE. Shout out to Mike Strahan for another great quad-blastin' workout!


Steelers at Jets: As an extra treat for you, the home viewer, CBS is sending out the NFL Today crew to announce games because... well, because FUCK IT, that's why. So that means Bill Cowher will join Pheel Seemms and Jeem Nantz for this game, Boomer Esiason will do Cincy/Buffalo, and—OH GOD—Shannon Sharpe will be the third man in the booth for Jags/Broncos. Those poor, poor Jags fans. Haven't they suffered enough? I bet you three dollars (NOTE: Bet not valid!) that Sharpe screams out CALL THE NATIONAL GUARD BECAUSE WE ARE KILLING THE JAGUARS in the fourth quarter.

Eagles at Bucs: If you haven't seen it yet, I highly recommend the video of Iowa State head coach Paul Rhoads losing his shit after getting hosed by the refs against Texas:


That is quality anger right there. SO PROUD OF THE EFFORT MY KIDS GAVE.

Lions at Browns

Rams at Texans

Bengals at Bills

Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall

"Wizard Burial Ground," submitted by Eric:

Heavy, loud, and fast. Plus, it's fucking called Wizard Burial Ground.

That it is. Never ever build your new house on a wizard burial ground. Otherwise, you know damn well what will happen: WIZARD GHOSTS. You thought regular ghosts were spooky? Well, wizard ghosts are, like, ten times spookier. I would like to know what the government plans to do about DEATH HORNETS and wizard ghosts while it remains shut down.


Suicide Pick Of The Week

Last week's picks of St. Louis, Carolina, and Atlanta went 1-2 (my bad!), making me 11-4 on the year. Once again, we pick three teams for suicide pool and one thing that makes you want to commit suicide. This week's picks are Chicago, Denver, Philadelphia, and the "Buy or Sell" segment on any sports telecast/radio show. I know that I thank God every day that someone managed to sprinkle a dash of stockBROker lingo into the country's already inane sports discourse. BRO I'M TOTALLY BUYING INTO THE BRONCOS GOING 16-0 COFFEE IS FOR CLOSERS LUNCH IS FOR WIMPS.


Gregg Easterbrook Is A Haughty Dipshit


Now the column changes course from buying and selling to the questions of TMQ in American society:

In football and society news — tick ... tick ... tick. That's the sound of the clock ticking down on the R*dsk*ns name.


Verily, it shall come to pass. Once TMQ has deemed it necessary for society to act, it's only a matter of time before everyone falls in line. Fall upon thine sword now, Dan Snyder! You have lost already; you and the slugabeds in the LAZYSTREAM MEDIA just don't realize it yet. By the way, it's a classic media move to be like, "The name WILL change," even though the Skins have given every indication that they have no plans to change it. Gregggg is just like, "I'll announce that it will happen and that will become LAW."

In "World War Z," "The Walking Dead" and other recent zombie hits, there's not even a hint of how the zombie transition could be possible.


I know! How am I supposed to believe in your fictional zombies without some kind of scientific proof that your zombies aren't fictional? AND HOW COME WE NEVER SEE ANY ZOMBIES TAKING NOTES?!

To stick with Brad Pitt, the hit film "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" made no attempt to be possible.


Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie wanting to fuck each other? PLEASE THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN DON'T TAKE ME FOR A FOOL.

"The Artist" was not possible.

No one dog could be that adorable! TMQ'S Law of Cute Dogs holds!

Maybe "The Philadelphia Story" wasn't possible. If a zombie movie entertains you, then you get your money's worth.


And what's with that United 93? Seems like a real reach to me. But if you DISGUSTING TROGOLODYTES out there are willing to accept such coarse storytelling as "entertainment," then I suppose TMQ will abide.

As chilly fall weather arrives, cheer-babe professionalism becomes a factor. Professionalism in this context means skin or at least skintight; scantily attired cheerleaders propitiate the football gods.


Oh yeah baby keep that shirt off I am one of the Football Gods and I DEMAND it. Now shake that ass and get me all propitiated GOD I'M SO HARD I'M GONNA RAIN GODSKEET ALL OVER YOU.

Last week your columnist asked, "Are the Falcons toast?" Now they are toast with butter and marmalade.


O ho ho! Good one, your majesty! Last week, this column supposed, "Are the Steelers done?" Now they are OVERdone with a slight char along the edge! O HO HO STOP I'M KILLING ME.

The king's ransom in draft choices paid two years ago for Julio Jones led to talent depletion of the Atlanta roster.


Yes, of course. The terrible defense, poor coaching decisions, and lack of a running game? All punishment by the Football Gods for trading up for a MEGABUCKS GLORY BOY who has clearly become one of the best wideouts in football.

Trailing Kansas City 26-17 with two seconds remaining, ball on the Chiefs' 14, Flaming Thumbtacks coach Mike Munchak sent in the field goal unit. True, there was no possible winning move for Tennessee. But at least try to score a touchdown for the home crowd! Angered, the football gods pushed the short kick wide.


They were SO not propitiated.

To take a nuanced view — that a thing has both virtues and defects in need of reform — is hard in a national conversation based on shout-shows and 140 characters. Some initial reactions to my new book, "The King of Sports" — say, have I mentioned my new book? — fall into this category. Commentators are confused about whether I am "for" or "against" football, since the book has both praise and reproach.


Turns out my book is too SMART for the average black-and-white newspuppet. Oh, for the days when you could breathlessly praise Virginia Tech football and have your efforts fully appreciated by the masses!

The safety occurred when, ball on the 5, Panthers coaches radioed in a play that had Newton sprint backward into his own end zone. That's a call for an expert quarterback such as Drew Brees or Aaron Rodgers, not for Newton.


Because he's dumb!

Great Moments In Poop History

Reader AB sends in this story I call HISTORY OF THE POOP, PART I:

I live in Lebanon, which sounds exciting and dangerous, but actually has fewer annual deaths from gunfire per year than Phoenix, which is actually comparable in size and population. The best thing about the country is its complete disregard for even basic norms and attitudes that people take for granted in normal cultures (i.e. most of the aforementioned gun deaths are probably the result of celebratory gunfire at weddings). For example, Lebanon's archaeological heritage is officially viewed as an irritating obstacle to real estate development.

In Greece, I was once scolded for walking over some nondescript wooden bridge near the Acropolis. If there was a guy paid to keep an eye on the sites in Lebanon, he wouldn't have given two shits about us walking on things. He would probably spend his smoke breaks ashing into the sarcophagi that had been emptied for use as planters and parking barriers (neither of these are exaggerations). Knowing this, we frequently take moderate liberties with the sites because we are terrible people. For example, I've been changing my son's diapers on ruins for the past year and a half, then photographing it. The first time was an actual emergency.

I had strapped my 8 month old son to my chest while I hauled him around the Crusader castle at Byblos to make it easier to climb on top of the crumbling historical relics. The downside of this was that any accident he had would seep directly through the flimsy generic diapers we had bought to give my only shirt a shit bath. I actually felt the force of his first eruption and managed to extract him from his carrier before he overloaded the diaper's meager shitpouch. As a historian, I immediately realized how fantastic the opportunity was and hauled him into one of the labyrinthine hallways to wipe down his ass by the light of an arrow slit that was probably used to skewer a bunch of poor saracen bastards in the 13th century. Knowing that my aberrant personality traits would inevitably be passed down to him, I snapped a shot of it so he could someday brag to all of his school buddies in America about how he had taken a dump in a Crusader castle. Over the years, we've gotten bolder about this.

I took photos of one change in the much smaller sea castle in Sidon, (which always smells like an outhouse anyways). More recently, I employed a friend to take a more artistic shot of a change done near the central of the Temple of Zeus in Baalbek. The iconic 75 foot tall pillars and the temple of Bacchus (the best god) stood tall in the background, making my kid's little pecker look even tinier in comparison. Inevitably, he left a few "relics" of his own smeared on the slab for some archaeologist to puzzle over.


How dare you.

Emmitt Smith's Lock of the Week!


"This week, I like the regurgant Kansas City Chiefs (-9) to absolutely WALLET the Oakland Raiders in front of all their screaming fans at Errorhead Stadium! That is an amazing hemisphere to play football in. THOSE FANS MEAN BISCUITS. I love what Andy Reid has done with this team. He needed a French start. A CHANGE OF SEMENY. I think that, for the first time in a long time, he is re-energuised!"

Emmitt Smith 2013 record: 1-2-1

This Week In Terrifying Animal News

An unknown dog in Falling Waters, West Virginia (BEWARE of the falling water!) has been randomly killing miniature horses in the dead of night. One donkey, probably assumed to ALSO be a miniature horse, was also killed. This nascent CUJO is nothing less than a deranged miniature horse serial killer, and must be stopped. On an unrelated note, why are there so many miniature horses in West Virginia? Do children ride them to school there?


Fantasy Player Who Deserves to Die A Slow, Painful Death

Dwayne Bowe. How can the Chiefs go unbeaten while you suck so badly? Fucking Donnie Avery has become the go-to wideout for Alex Smith, and Donnie Avery is a double amputee. Stupid Dwayne Bowe. I can't believe a player with a notable history of underachieving went out there and UNDERACHIEVED. You should be ashamed of yourself.


Fire This Asshole!

Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your potential 2013 chopping block:

*-Potential midseason firing

We're gonna have to make a list of the worst coaching years in NFL history, because Schiano's might rank in the top five alongside Rich Kotite's final year in New York, Jim Fassel's final year in New York, Lou Holtz one year in New York, and Ray Handley's final year in New York. New York is a wonderland of terrible coaching stints.


Gametime Snack Of The Week

Fistfuls of deli turkey! And now... your ranking of all deli turkeys: 1. Hickory Smoked 2. Cajun 3. Cracked Pepper 4. Turkey Pastrami 5. Chesapeake seasoning 6. Salsalito 7. Maple glazed 8. Lemon herb 9. Oven roasted 10. Honey 1,458. Turkey ham


Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week


Arsenalnoye! From Ryan:

We found this in a minimart, sitting on a pallet (warm) in 1.5 liter plastic bottles. I think each bottle cost $3. The purpose was to get an appropriate cente piece for my friends dinner table, but after finishing all other beer in the house we drank it down to the label. Having not gone blind, we decided not to push our luck and poured the rest out. It tasted kind of like beer, but somehow not. This quote is attributed to the brewery's site: "Arsenalnoye, beer with a male character, is brewed for real men who value honour, strength, patriotism, family, Motherland." But maybe not eyesight.


I'm fully convinced that Russians consider it a sign of weakness for food or drinks to taste good. You be a real man, you must swallow warm vodka, drink Arsenalnoye out of a discarded artillery shell, and feast upon boiled snow cabbage. MAKE YOU STRONG. Anyway, this beer looks despicable. I MUST HAVE IT (just kidding I wouldn't go fucking anywhere near that shit).

Robert Evans's MVP Watch!

Time to start thinking about who the leaders will be for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.


"Baby, my favorite for NFL MVP is still Peyton Manning of the Broncos! Has Evans ever had to fight off pirates? YOU KNOW HE HAS. It was 1981, and I was relaxing on my barefoot schooner in the Adriatic with Johnny Carson and couple of superstar actresses whom I shall decline to name. Champagne? YOU BET! Anal penetration with a mooring cleat? THERE'S YOUR REAL TREASURE.


"Anyway, as we're lounging about feasting upon grapes and flaming cheese, a Tunisian pirate vessel comes riding up next to us and six hungry men with machine guns climb aboard! And I say 'Whoa baby! Don't scuff the deck! I just had it polished!' Well, these fellas wanted to take all our money and our women, and I was ready to fight! But Johnny, the ol' charmer, stepped between us and told the pirates—IN PERFECT ARABIC!—'Now gents, you can take anything you like. But leave the ladies. After all, your boat already HAS two anchors.' Those pirates must have laughed for five straight minutes. They DID end up taking the girls though. They went missing for about eight months. Still, ADVENTURE ON THE HIGH SEAS! It can't be beat!"

Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Jaguars Fans

Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs 2. I took my kid to see this movie and it's about a bunch of food that comes to life, like tacos and burgers and shit. And the weird thing is that, of course, most food starts out alive. The meat in the burger used to belong to a cow that was alive. But now the cow has been killed, slaughtered, formed into a patty, and that patty has been reanimated into a new life-form. That's mildly disturbing. Then again, HAW HAW LOOGIT THE WALKING BURGER THAT'S SO CRAY CRAY.


Gratuitous Simpsons Quote

"In the midst of our sorrow, we can take solace in the fact that your elevated blood alcohol level probably helped you burn up quicker." Enjoy the games, everyone.


Drew Magary writes for Deadspin and Gawker. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at You can also buy Drew's book, Someone Could Get Hurt, through his homepage.