Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Hank Williams Jr. Is Back On MNF Tonight, So We Wrote His New Theme For Him

Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty Images
Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty Images

Six years ago, ESPN parted ways with country singer and sentient pickup truck Hank Williams Jr. after Hank compared President Obama to Hitler. This caused Hank to fire back in a “No I’m firing YOU” letter that eerily presaged the current political hellscape in which we all now reside.


Which means now is the PERFECT time for the four-letter network to let bygones be bygones and bring Hank and all his rowdy friends back to Monday Night Football, in what is DEFINITELY not a sop to the white workin’ class FOOTBAW fans who think the network got too durn liberal the second they started puttin’ more womenfolk on the air. What kind of revamped intro can we expect from the man who literally wrote a song called “If The South Woulda Won”? Well, the Deadspin staff had a few guesses:

“The Chargers are electric / Most victims of police violence are white / All my rowdy friends are here on Monday Night!”


“The Saints have AP / Why don’t they report black-on-black crime? / All my rowdy friends are ready to have a good time!”

“Heritage not hate / Tearing statues down ain’t right / No queer-ass snowflakes welcome here on Monday night!”

“DACA’s gotta end now / Those Dreamers are all parasites / But ALL my documented friends are here for Monday night!”

“Where are the emails? / Benghazi burned all night / All my rowdy friends are fired up for Monday night!”


“Kushner wasn’t lying / What’s with House Oversight? / All my rowdy friends are here for Monday Night!”

•“For Robert E. Lee / My torch is alight / All my rowdy generals are BACK for Monday night!”


“Bannon’s sucking his cock / Now THIS is a party I like / Violence on many sides coming here on Monday night!”

“The witch hunt is real / Globalists are on the rise / Mexicans rapists will GET YOU this Monday night!”


“All those libs at Comet Pizza / Now you know that ain’t right / All my rowdy friends are here on Monday night!”

“Erdogan’s an ally / He’s our Turkish Delight / All my rowdy friends are here for Monday night!”


“Grab some pussy and beer! / Tonight is boy’s night! / You can do anything you want right here on Monday Night!”

Welllll this ain’t fake news!
This is real as it gits!
Ol’ Hank is back and causin’ liberals fits!
Yes it’s time to drink and it’s time to brawl!
Cause football lives are what matter this fall!
So cram your protests, there’s no antifa in sight
And Kaepernick’s still jobless on this Monday Night!


So come and get ready!
Yeah I said get ready!

A Monday night rally?!
Hey this is rockin’ Randall Hank, ready to get the deportation process started!
I got ICE and Arpaio! I got Clarke and the Mooch!
Now here’s some football jammed right up your cooch!

Drew Magary is a Deadspin columnist and columnist for GEN magazine. You can buy Drew's second novel, The Hike, through here.