Photo: Bruce Kluckhohn (AP)

The headline on ESPN scoopmaster Adam Schefter’s latest report about Tom Brady—“Sources: Tom Brady has yet to commit to playing ‘18 season for Pats”—probably won’t get your juices flowing. “Yet to commit” doesn’t mean he won’t, or that he’s even been asked to, and so I imagine you’ll go into the story not expecting any bombshells. I’m here to tell you that you will still be disappointed.

If this even qualifies as a scoop, it might rank as the most useless scoop in the history of sports journalism:

The lack of any official word from Brady, either privately or publicly, has left some to admit that, while they do believe he will play in 2018, they cannot say that for sure.

“My money would be on him playing football for the foreseeable future, but what goes on away from the football field, I don’t know,” one source told ESPN. “I don’t know.”

There’s no question that Brady wants to play football, but he turns 41 in August, wants to spend more time with his family, and there are people around him who would rather see him retire, sources told ESPN.

It keeps going:

“I believe he’s going to be there,” another person who knows Brady told ESPN. “However, having said that, we’re dealing with a human being. Things can change. But I do believe he will be playing.”

Okay, so, the information being conveyed here is that a few anonymous people who are close to Brady believe that Brady has every intention of playing football in 2018, but that they cannot say for sure. One of them would even put money on Brady playing, but also wants to make it clear that they “don’t know”... something. Another source says they also believe Brady will be playing, but clarifies that “we’re dealing with a human being” and that “things can change.” It’s true, Tom Brady is human (well, maybe not) and things can indeed change.

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What the fuck are we doing here? Either Schefter had a very strange favor called in by a source, or he’s drawn the short straw and is responsible for pulling the next non-story out of thin air to send through the ESPN car wash. If you turn on SportsCenter today and see a big “Brady Considering Retirement?” chyron, you’ll have your answer.