How Bold Is The New BBQ Whopper? A DadBoner Taste Test

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'Sup. Karl "K-Money" Welzein here with an urgent message about bold flavors. The other day I was at BK and decided to give the Carolina BBQ Whopper a go-round. Man, I gotta say, it was off the chain. With a flamed-up beef patty, all natch thick-cut bacon, pepper jack, lettuce, ripe tomates, and with TWO condiments: some tasty kinda dressing, AND covered in BBQ sauce. Real deluxe. I had to take it to the house with some Guy Fieri style big bites like the King from Flavortown 'cause I worked up a mean hunger layin’ down concrete at my 'struction job that mornin'. Really hit the spot. (Just gotta mention, all that man labor has got my Bod Depot lookin' righteous, especially in the pipes aisle. There ain’t been any notes in the complaint department from ANY babes.)

Anyway, so I had plans to head over to my ex-roommate Dave's place that afternoon 'cause he owed me some dough from way back. I woulda brought a handgun to really get in his face, but I didn’t have one at the ready, so I just decided to roll up, raw dog style. Dave wasn't home, so I used my blade to cut open a screen. Due to my razor cut bod, seems my metabolism’s been goin' bonkers, and that Carolina BBQ Whop was beggin' for an exit, pronto. From livin' with Dave, I already knew my way around his john, and in no time, I was blowin' that Carolina Whop out down south. Broke Dave's toilet, but just decided to leave it topped off. Dave can suck it. He owes me the mucho dinero. Really injured myself when I cut my leg meat wide open with a smashed WWF collector's glass full of pennies when I was makin' my exit, but none of that is really important right now, you guys.


My point is, when I was in BK, I noticed that they're servin' up a "Rib Sandwich." Kinda concerning. Anybody knows that Mickey D's holds the key to the locked down rib sammy game. It's a gentlemen's grub code from the streets. Even the bold bad boy himself, Guy Fieri, knows not to walk on the rib sammy side of the street. 'Course, he’s all class.

This country was built on great traditions like the 4th of July, Christmas, and the day the McRib comes back. You don’t see there bein' some crap like, "July 6th is the new OTHER independence day!" Folks’d get so steamed they'd burn their own houses down. I probably would too, 'cept I live in my ride, so it'd be more of a light my own car on fire situaish. Gotta be honest. I’m pretty surprised that there hasn’t been any violence in the streets from this whole "Rib Sandwich" debacle. Maybe the news outlets are coverin' up mobs and protests up with payoffs from BK? No way to be sure.

Thing is, BK knows this is some dangerous crap to start lightin' on fire, so they must really be hurtin’ for exciting new bold flavors or else they wouldn’t take risk severe violence from brother to brother. BK is a pretty big corp with $$$ galore. And if BK is outta ideas, then who’s next to lose integrity over quality bold flavored grub at a great value? Everyone knows that TGI Fridays pretty much has the market cornered on booze infused eats with their Jack Daniel's Grillers. But what if Olive Garden comes out with some crap like Jim Beam Spaghetti? Then, pretty soon you could have a whole menu of Seagram’s Gin tastin' bowls over at KFC, and nobody knows what the hell is goin' on anymore. The bold flavor world would internally collapse, and everybody’s gotta go back to suckin' down bag salads and Shake n Bake chicken. Nightmare.

As a country, we got a real responsibility as leaders of the bold flavor world under God, the southwest taste of chipotle, and all them new chips D-Reets keep comin' out with, to make sure our children don’t end up eatin' King Cobra Malt Liquor Quesadillas at Chili’s.


Write your congressman. We can make a difference, you guys.

United We Rock,
Karl Welzein

P.S.- Think I might be kinda bombed. Been drinkin' away the stress of this leg injury from the broken WWF glass. Kinda bummed I crushed it into my flesh. Was aimin' to straight up steal it from Dave as a partial payment for the bread he owes me. Had Axe and Smash on it from Demolition. So boss, you guys.


Power Moves: Livin' the American Dream, USA Style is now available at Karl tweets @dadboner.