Huge Sigh Of Relief Out Of Phoenix Alters National Weather Patterns

The NBA Closer is written by Matt McHale, who is holed up in a basement next to a big stack of canned goods and bottled water right now. When he isn't preparing for the end of all life as we know it, he can be found tweezing his eyebrows at Basketbawful. Enjoy!

• It's the end of the world as we know it. You know all that crap about how a butterfly flapping its wings in Africa can create tiny changes in the atmosphere that might ultimately cause a giant, apocalyptic tornado? Well, I'm not a weatherologist and I don't know anything about sensitive dependence on initial conditions, but according to the calculations I just made up, the sigh of relief emanating out of the greater Phoenix area yesterday afternoon will destroy the Earth in approximately 17 minutes. So unless you're Flash Gordon or know where to find him, we're all screwed. I only ask that you finish reading this column and leave a nice remark in the comments section before you run off to engage in furious end-of-the-world sex and/or masturbation. Thank you.

The cause of that world-destroying sigh was the Suns' 94-87 win over the San Antonio Spurs. And Shaq - who had 14 points, 16 rebounds, and a dive into the crowd that killed three people and injured dozens more - finally gave Steve Kerr a chance to high-five Robert Sarver and say, "See? I was right about the trade. I was right!" Hair Canada came to life with 19 points and 14 assists, and Grant Hill added 18 points and clutch 20-footer with 1:15 left to help hold off the champs. Manu Ginobili paced Los Spurs with 21 points and Timmy D conjured up a 17 and 10 performance. Fun fact: The Suns are 21-2 this season when holding an opponent under 100 points. And if you find it hard to believe that the Suns have held an opposing team under 100 points 23 times this season, you're not alone.

• Let's give Tayshaun a hand. Sorry. Couldn't help myself. Prince bounced back from third quarter foul that numbed his hand to score 15 points in the final 17 minutes of the Detroit Pistons' 116-109 victory over the Chicago Bulls. Said Prince: "I couldn't feel my hand, and I knew that wasn't good. I thought I was going to have to shoot my freethrows one-handed, but I got enough feeling back to make the shots, and then I hit a three, so I figured I would keep going." I'll have to read that quote a couple more times before I'm entirely convinced there wasn't a double-entendre in there somewhere. Anyway, the Pistons also got 34 points from Chauncey Billups and 10 rebounds from Tony McDyess. Ben Gordon continued his farewell tour with the Bulls by scoring 27. Fun fact: Despite suffering a sprained ankle that kept him out of the game, Rasheed Wallace danced his usual pregame jig in the Detroit huddle. 'Sheed is such a warrior.

• The sweet, sweet taste of notoriety. Thaddeus Young became the second-most famous person with that first name - after Peter Griffin's evil brother of course - when his 22 points led the Philadelphia 76ers to a 119-97 victory over the Milwaukee Deer Thingies. And Philly coach Maurice Cheeks has no idea how that happened. "He scored 20-plus points and we didn't run one play for him. That's the way he plays." Here's a crazy suggestion, coach: Run a couple plays for him next time. Not that the Sixers need the help. They shot 60 percent from the field in winning their fourth straight game, and they've captured 12 of 15 overall. Meanwhile, the Bucks - who were without Mo Williams (abdominal strain) and Yi Jianlian (sprained ankle) - are watching their playoff hopes go swirling like a huge, steaming loaf down the Eastern Conference toilet. Said Milwaukee coach Larry Krystkowiak: "We're not going to lose hope or give up and quit. It's not impossible, but it's getting improbable." Trust me, coach. You can go ahead and give up. It's impossible. Fun fact: Andrew Bogut scored 1 point and grabbed 2 rebounds, but he dished out a season-high 7 assists. He does know he's a seven-foot center, right?

• All it took was a little trust. Who knew? Rasho Nesterovic hasn't played much this season (16 MPG). There have been games in which he hasn't played at all (11 DNP-CDs). But with Chris Bosh sidelined by a knee injury, what other choice did Sam Mitchell really have? The answer: Primoz Brezec, which, as it turns out, is less an answer and more of an "Uh oh." Well, that non-choice paid off last night, as ShoSho scored 17 points and dished out a team-high 6 assists (with zero turnovers) in the Toronto Raptors' 114-106 win over the Seattle SuperSonics. Nesterovic, who couldn't remember the last time he led his team in assists, was grateful for the chance to show off his mad passing skillz. "They don't let big guys pass, because they don't trust them. I finally found a team that trusts big guys." These kinds of surprise games from seldom-used reserves never fail to evoke cliche-laden platitudes from the coach in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1..."Rasho is a pro," Mitchell said. "He never complains and is always ready to play. That's something our young players need to learn from." Hmm, four cliches in three sentences. Not bad. I give it a 7.3 on the NBA Coach's Platitude Scale. In case you care, Chris Wilcox led the Sonics in points (28), Like Ridnour led them in assists (9), and Kevin Durant led them in turnovers (5).

• Beno Udrih outduels Kobe. Yes, Beno Udrih. Mr. Beno hit two freethrows with 4.6 seconds left to give his team a one-point lead, Kobe gonked an 18-footer at the buzzer, and the Sacramento Kings beat the Lakers in L.A., 114-113. This is the same Kings team that lost at home to the Minnesota Timberwolves on Friday. Go figure, huh? Said Ron Artest: "Wow, we just stepped up against a good team. Too bad we can't step up against the bad teams." That may be the closest he's ever come to saying something that isn't crazy. Udrih was the kingliest King with 25 points and 10 assists, Kevin Martin chipped in with 21, and John Salmons and Mikki Moore double-teamed Kobe on the Lakers' final possession to force the tough jumper. Bryant had a game-high 26, but scored only 6 points on 1-for-7 shooting in the second half as Pau Gasol 25 points, 7 rebounds, 9 assists) and Sasha Vujacic (15 points, 3-for-4 from three-point range) were taking all the shots down the stretch. Said The Mamba: "I'm okay. I'm moving on. We'll make adjustments offensively." Translation: "You'd better believe I'll be getting more shots next time.