I, The One Person Who Still Doesn't Believe In The Patriots, Know They'll Finally Be Exposed As A Sham In Their Third Straight Super Bowl

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After my previous missive, one written before the New England Patriots defeated the Kansas City Chiefs in the AFC title game and earned a trip to the Super Bowl, I had many common oafs criticize my prognostication through electronic mail and other various mediums. You lummox, these messages would start. Don’t you see now that you must finally believe in the Patriots? To them, I say: See you in hell.

Admittedly, it is true that the Patriots have participated in the last three Super Bowls, and in four of the last five. However, as I have maintained for at least that long, the New England football team’s reputation has been fueled by undeserved praise for meager accomplishments. I was never more sure of this than when its ineffective three-time MVP and four-time Super Bowl MVP quarterback Tom Brady agitated the degenerates in Foxborough with a plebeian chant before the team departed to Atlanta: “We’re still here!”


A pox on you, Mr. Brady! Feh! You do not wish to speak to me face to face, in a public debate of some fashion, so instead you take your grievance to the unruly masses. There is no other conclusion but this: Your insistence that the Patriots, who have made the playoffs every year since 2008, are not truly frauds, is clearly directed towards me, the only person brave and bold enough to say that they are.

My tactics before the AFC championship showdown will be dwarfed by what I have in store for the “Big Game,” Mr. Brady. Perhaps you will find me at the designated media stable, or lurking behind a potted plant of some sort, or disrupting the peace of your companions, Mr. Burkhead and Mr. Van Noy. Perhaps my saying this will cause you check your surroundings at all times, in a panic, while thousands of miles away, I peacefully prepare provisions for the upcoming televised event. It is as if I have taken up residence in your cranium without paying a monthly rate. Ha! Ha ha!

You think this pitiful “pep rally” for a slipshod failure of an organization will shake me? It will do no such thing. I spit on the Patriots and invite everyone else to do the same. They are worthy of all the disrespect humankind can muster. Their goose has been cooked since day one. This squad of filth has earned nothing in its existence, beyond two playoff wins, and 11 wins in this regular season, and at least 12 wins in each regular season since 2010, and at least 10 wins in each regular season since 2003, and five championships with the same coach and quarterback. In my eyes, the Patriots still have not proven themselves. I wish the Los Angeles Rams good fortune in the Super Bowl, and I pray that the New England Patriots will tumble into a jumentous pit.

Once again, I must stress than I am in a category separate from the many people who hate the Patriots because they’re actively unlikable, arrogant cheaters.


Karl is a lifelong football fan who thinks the Patriots are bad.