It's Me, I'm The One Person Who Still Doesn't Believe In The Patriots

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The New England Patriots, the second playoff seed of their conference, are preparing for Sunday’s AFC title game against the Kansas City Chiefs by pushing the idea that no one believes in them, a team that’s been to eight straight AFC title games. You might be asking, Who are they actually calling out? Me. I’m the one who thinks the Patriots are a bunch of phooey.

Last Sunday, after New England defeated the Chargers 41-28 at home to go to their eighth AFC championship game in eight years, quarterback Tom Brady called out the haters who believed that the division-winning Patriots were a poor team this season:

“It’ll be a good game, they’re a good team,” Patriots quarterback Tom Brady told CBS Sports’ Tracy Wolfson after the win Sunday. “We played them earlier this year and I know everyone thinks we suck and you know, can’t win any games. So we’ll see. It’ll be fun.”


I was so delighted to get a shoutout on national TV, as I am the person Tom Brady is talking about. He is bad, and the Patriots are not good at football. Bah!


When Julian Edelman, an untalented wide receiver on the bad 11-win Patriots, has someone make an internet video about how foolish it is to count out the New England Patriots, who have been to the last two Super Bowls, I laugh at my computer screen. Ha! There is no way that the Patriots, who have not had a losing season since 2000, could win another football game. You, Mr. Edelman, are the real fool, and I know this because you don’t want to talk about those silly T-shirts you’re selling. Are you scared of my intimidating facts?

The Chiefs, too, seem to be confused about who is saying that the Patriots suck. I am right over here, my good men. I leave Mr. Belichick off-color voice messages on his telephone. I intentionally walk on the grass in front of Mr. Gronkowski’s residence. When I drive by Mr. Brady’s estate, I honk my horn and yell out my window, “You, sir, are one of the worst football players in the world, and your team is just as bad as you. You suck! I wish you misfortune on the gridiron, and bid good day to you!” I have done this once every day since July 19.


Mr. Brady, when you write “Still here” in the caption of an Instagram photograph after a playoff victory, I take it as an affront directed to me and only me. I curse the heavens that you have proven me wrong yet again, although I know, deep down, that this will be the week the Patriots crumble. Soon, there will be vindication.

To be clear, I am different than the gigantic group of people who think the Patriots suck because they are annoying and smug.


Karl is a lifelong football fan who thinks the Patriots are bad.