Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

I Think Bernie Parent Wants To Sex Us All

Illustration for article titled I Think Bernie Parent Wants To Sex Us All

That tingling in your loins? Don't be alarmed. It's natural. Because even if their owners aren't aware, nether regions across North America have a way of knowing when they're about to be served up to a burly French Canadian. Lay down a tarp and prepare for a flood of lovejuice, because Bernie Parent has written a Valentine's Day column.

"Unleash your hidden wolf on Valentine's Day" is the headline of the Hall-of-Fame goaltender's column at, and oh my god I'm pregnant.

Let's forget my career with the Philadelphia Flyers, back-to-back Stanley Cup championships, and Hall of Fame induction, just for one minute. Even though these significant events have opened many doors and opportunities beyond my wildest dreams, I am here to introduce you to the human side of me; the primitive side, the animal side, the "wolf."


The wolf has been hidden away for far too long. The wolf thirsts for blood and 'tang. If you haven't met the wolf, it's only because you're not emotionally or physically prepared for his taking. But he'll come for you, whether you're ready or not.

The fear I have faced and battled, in direct correlation with the risks I've taken, have allowed me to find true success, freedom, and the wolf inside. I have made it my goal to help people around me, people I meet, even by coincidence, break free from their cage, disregard personal boundaries, and find true happiness and success.

The wolf knows that "no" means "now."

For some, Valentine's Day is a time to show your appreciation for loved ones. For others, it's a day of impending doom, a pointless "holiday," and a yearly reminder of the reasons you are single.

Being that I am a seasoned ladies man and "Philadelphia's most interesting man," I have the same message for both types of people: Find your wolf.


This is disguised as general romantic advice, but don't be fooled. Bernie Parent doesn't want you to find love. He's here for boning, and boning doesn't leave time for love. The wolf is going to get you out of your panties, and if you're not wearing panties, the wolf is going to break into the panty store, tie up and execute the manager, force you to put the panties on, and rip them off with his teeth. And when he's done, he's going to do awful, ugly things to your pets.

For those of you that are in a relationship, let your partner be their own wolf. Don't restrict your partner. Let them fulfill who they are as an individual; it does not mean they don't love you. If you let them go, let them do, they will explore and be their own person. That is what makes the bond between the two of you stronger.

Don't leash them, don't cage them, just have fun. And do it together.

"I am a free spirit; either admire me from the ground or fly with me, but don't ever try to cage me." –Unknown.

Stay horny, my friends.

By now you're feeling severely uncomfortable. It always hurts the first time. And the second time. And if the wolf isn't bored of the feel of your insides, every time after that. Sorry, I wish it didn't have to be this way. But it does.

Illustration for article titled I Think Bernie Parent Wants To Sex Us All


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