If There Is An Allah, He'll Permit A Four-Way Tie

Whenever I see a baseball fight late in the season, I picture Colin Mochrie in front of a green screen trying to figure out what's going on, saying "Well, it all started over a bowl of soup! And now ... look at it!"

With the game already in hand, Florida Marlins' catcher Miguel Olivo was ejected for charging at Jose Reyes with evil intentions. Reyes was not ejected, and eventually scored in the New York Mets' 13-0 rout of the Attendanceless Fish. Hopefully this fight is the kind of event that will solidify this young Marlins team and will propel them to finish the season with a win. With just one game left and three games behind Washington for fourth place in the NL East, it won't be easy to overcome, and some say it's mathematically impossible. But it's nothing that Jeffrey Loria's money can't solve.

On The Bright Side, That Second Inning Was Amazing. Charlie Manuel decided to pull Adam Eaton in the third inning with two on and one out. But nobody told Manuel that once you remove a pitcher, he can't pitch later in the game. All things considered, Philly did escape the inning, and the bullpen worked 6 2/3 innings of 3-run ball, but the Washington Nationals only allowed two runs all game. You do the math.

The Phillies and Mets are tied for first in the NL East.

Oh, So That's Where Mark Redman Went. An All-Star the year he had a 5.71 ERA, Redman is now with the Colorado Rockies and pitched five innings whilst allowing just one run as the Rockies kept their slim Wild Card hopes intact with an 11-1 win over the now-complacent Diamondbacks, who are finally NL West champions because...

Do You Know Who I Am? I'm The Hoffman! ...the Padres blew it in the 9th inning and went on to lose in 11 innings to the Brewers, 4-3.

Playoff Scenarios. Christ, they're complicated, but I think everyone's favorite one is if the Padres lose, and the Mets, Phillies, and Rockies all win, for they'd all end up 89-73. For this reason, the Diamondbacks might want to consider losing.

So let's explain how baseball will break this complicated four-way tie:

Monday: The Mets play at the Phillies, winner wins the NL East. Tuesday: Loser on Monday plays San Diego in a "Wild Card semifinal" game. San Diego would play at home against New York, and they'd have to play on the road at Philadelphia. Wednesday: Winner on Monday plays a home game against Colorado.

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! Colorado can also opt to play Tuesday, and Wednesday (if they win), with the only incentive being that they'd play both games at home.

In conclusion, the BASEketball playoff scenarios were easier to follow than this.

Obligatory American League Mention. Meanwhile, with the New York Yankees already aware that they will play the Cleveland Indians in the playoffs, Roger Clemens is already scouting the Indians' lineup.