IMPORTANT: I Would Not Bone A Vampire

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Recently, I got into an argument with a series of colleagues surrounding the very simple question: If vampires were real, would you have sex with one?

A majority of my colleagues said they would. Now let me explain why they’re all stupid, lying posers. Here are the pros involved with boning a vampire:

  • Vampires are hot
  • Vampires have been around a while and are experienced in bed
  • Vampires are DANGEROUS, and danger is sexy
  • If a vampire likes you, they may/may not bite you during intercourse

Now, here’s my counter: Vampires are undead creatures with very sharp fangs who could, at any moment, bite you and usher you into the eternal purgatory of the living dead. Would you risk this for a lay? No. You would not. Don’t be fucking ridiculous. Would you fuck a grizzly bear? Of course not. Same logic, folks. No sane person would willingly bone a vampire. Even if that vampire is Salma Hayek in From Dusk Till Dawn, it’s STILL too dangerous. I know how that scene ended. It was a buzzkill for the whole theater. Just dozens of guys in the audience going, “Aw man …”


Vampires aren’t even that cool. They’re played out. Who the fuck wants to hang out with some broody, mopey dipshit vampire who thinks he’s deep? And what about blood flow? Their genitals probably aren’t even warm. They’re probably all cracked and pale and dry. Some gross clammy-dicked vamp making moves on you. Why not fuck a rock while you’re at it? You’re literally fucking a dead person. That makes you a necrophile. Way to go, freak. And some guys I talked were like, “Dude you just get to be a vampire and, like, hang if they bite you!” Idiots. Being a vampire is TORTURE.

Don’t buy into all this dopey vampire propaganda wrought by Kate Beckinsale movie franchises. If you see a real vampire, you’re fleeing in terror. You’re not stopping to get horny. Give me a goddamn break. Everyone I work with is a liar.


I would not bone a vampire. My wife would be livid.

Now ALIENS. Aliens are a whole other thing …