In Outdated Hip-Hop Terms: Lil Jon Serves 8 Mile

The NHL Closer is written by Greg Wyshynski, of The FanHouse and The Fourth Period. He is also the author of Glow Pucks And 10-Cent Beer.

Thrashers 5, Red Wings 1. The NHL Closer isn't just a daily compendium of overlong posts, dick jokes and frequent bursts of misogyny (more on all of that after the jump). It's also about hardcore sports research. 'Scuse me while I whip this out: The Thrashers' 5-1 win at Joe Louis Arena last night was the first victory for an Atlanta team in Motown since the Falcons' 27-7 mauling of the Lions on Nov. 20, 2005. So as the specter of Joey Harrington continues to haunt both cities, Atlanta gets a natural hat trick from Marian Hossa in an impressive audition performance, gets 46 saves from the gentleman getting crunk over on the left, and gets first place in the Southeast after being left for dead earlier this season. (Eat it, Hartley).

Detroit gets to see its longest losing streak of the season matched at three, and Chris Osgood gets chased from the crease after a sieve-like performance that might spell the end of the Wings' goalie rotation with Hasek. The Dominator gave some great Sgt. Murtaugh-like "I'm gettin' too old for this shit" lines after the game, thanking his team for a stretch in which they outshot Atlanta 19-0 so his ancient bones could get acclimated after coming in stone cold: "Here it was good that maybe one or two shifts I didn't have to face anything, but after that I felt comfortable and warm." Aw, just like a Hallmark card with a puppy on the front.

Flood of Semin. C'mon, Ottawa, it's one of the basic tenets of NHL defensive ideology: If you don't cover Semin, you will be covered by Semin. Alexander the Lesser scored two goals against the Senators last night as the Capitals won, 4-2. His game-tying goal in the second was an unassisted marvel of dekes and Jedi-like reflexes. Check out the video here (the NHL's video imbeds are about as user-friendly as a Kaiser Permanente customer service rep, so watch it over on the mother ship).

When it comes to Ottawa, the Capitals don't just own that ass: They have the deed, the mortgage is paid off, and they intend to pass that ass down to their kids in 20 years. Washington sweeps the season series against Ottawa, blowing away their opponents, 22-12 (a Senator getting blown in D.C. - go figure). Just something to keep in mind for the one-versus-eight series in the playoffs...

In honor of Semin's two goals and that other Alex's game-winner, I present this video from last season. There's some obligatory Ovechkin love, but fast-forward to the 4:25 mark for some hi-jinks in a Japanese restaurant and Ovie asking Semin the question on all of our minds: "When is first time you ate sushi?"

Puck Headlines

* The Maple Leafs win! Keep Sundin! Paul Maurice for the Jack Adams! Contract extension for John Ferguson! OK, fuck that last one: When the fans in the nosebleeds chant "Fire Ferguson," that's fine; when the suits in the lower level do it, time to bring back Cliff Fletcher. [ National Post]

* The MYFO boys break down the "gay" Sidney Christ "Men's Fitness" cover story, complete with Gary Glitter child prostitute reference. [ MYFO]

* Huge win for Phoenix over the Sharks last night. And yes, it's safe to put it all on Ron Wilson. [ Mercury News]

* Starting goalies are no longer "fat and happy." "DiPietro's upper body is chiseled, but all those muscles become apparent only after a game, when he pulls off layer upon layer of padding." NYT > "Men's Fitness." [ New York Times]

* Scott Burnside: Save the Rangers, Trade Jagr. Of course, the last two times Jagr was traded, the bounty coming back the other way was Michal Sivek, Ross Lupaschuk, Kris Beech and Anson Carter. So maybe it's addition by subtraction. [ ESPN]

* Finally, hockey meets Slovakian pole dancing. True story: Jozef Stumpel worked 17 years to stay off the pole. [ FanHouse]