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Inconceivable Stupidity: Your Guide To Ignoring Today's NFL Playoffs

Illustration for article titled Inconceivable Stupidity: Your Guide To Ignoring Todays NFL Playoffs

So the Mueller report was released this week, and ho-ho! Look how it confirmed the NFL's story, of never having been granted access to the tape from inside the elevator. Amazing! That's great news for the NFL.


See, here's the problem: what if the NFL never really did see the tape? What if their investigation was actually as unbelievably, unspeakably incompetent as the Mueller report suggests? This is maybe an issue with picking someone with such an obvious conflict of interest to lead the investigation: the only possible way anyone will ever, ever, ever believe the investigation's findings is if those findings reveal some series of misdeeds that are somehow even worse than what anyone had imagined.

An impartial investigator might get away with confirming a hard-to-believe story of incomprehensible ineptitude and receive just the usual skepticism. A known out-for-blood NFL-hating commie scumbag (me) might be able to overcome any rational skepticism with these same findings. But a guy with such obvious and troubling ties to the NFL can't possibly, under any circumstances, thoroughly convince a skeptical public that the NFL is every bit as backwards-ass as they'd have us believe.


Which is sort of hilarious: by picking someone who would never be able to confirm their stupidity to our satisfaction, and putting him in a role that can only fail, they have confirmed their stupidity beyond any doubt.

It's really sort of genius how stupid those assholes are.

Other Sports

1 p.m. — Golf Channel — PGA Tour Golf: Hyundai Tournament of Champions, 2nd Round

Tournament play from Hawaii. Hawaii should be reason enough to watch, if, like me, you're living in a frozen hellscape and expect the crew of HMS Erebus to come stumbling out of the woods at any moment.

2:40 p.m. — beIN Sports — Serie A Soccer: Torino vs. AC Milan

Couple of Serie A also-rans getting together for no particular reason.

3:30 p.m. — NBA League Pass — NBA Basketball: Mavericks @ Clippers

The Mavericks are insanely fun. The Clippers can be insanely fun, too, when they can convince Blake Griffin to shoot from within 15 feet of the basket and Chris Paul focuses on doing things other than flailing around looking for calls. Something unfortunate has happened to all the joy and fluidity of the Clippers attack, but Dallas's defense might be just the thing to bring it back.


6 p.m. — ESPN2 — Men's College Basketball: Virginia (3) @ Notre Dame (13)

Virginia has held two opponents under 30 points this season, while Notre Dame has one of the nation's very best offenses. Worth checking out.


8 p.m. — NBA League Pass — NBA Basketball: Bucks @ Bulls

The Bulls have lost two in a row and need a win after looking completely overmatched last night in Washington. The Bucks, meanwhile, are still an absolute joy to watch, even without Jabari Parker. Brandon Knight, seriously, has turned into a terrific NBA player. He's fast as hell, a committed defender, and has become a fairly dangerous outside shooter. And when he shares the court with Giannis Antetokounmpo, all kinds of fun things can happen.


8 p.m. — ESPN2 — Men's College Basketball: Iowa State (17) @ West Virginia (17)

Uhhh....yes! Ranked basketball teams!

TV Reruns

4 p.m. — We TV — Law & Order

Hours and hours of angry-ass Jack McCoy walking all over helpless defense attorneys.


4 p.m. — BBC America — Star Trek: The Next Generation

Next Generation is when Star Trek went ahead and became a soap opera in deep space.


4 p.m. — TV Land —- Roseanne

A few episodes in a row will get you much of the way through the first game.


3:30 p.m. — SyFy — Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country

Every time I see that VI I so badly want it to be it to be IV. It's like no one ever wants to show The Voyage Home, which is the most lovable Star Trek movie of them all.


3:30 p.m. — TNT — Inglourious Basterds

Yeah, I basically hated this movie. But! Some people loved it.

3:30 p.m. — TVGN — Kindergarten Cop

Now this, on the other hand, is a classic film!

4 p.m. — BET — Boyz N the Hood

Every part of this movie is excellent. Laurence Fishburne is great as "Furious" Styles, Cuba Gooding, Jr. and Ice Cube are terrific, and John Singleton was in the damn zone.


5 p.m. — AMC — Casino Royale

Mads Mikkelson makes a pretty awesome poker-savant villain. The last third of this movie plays like an awkward extended epilogue, but it's a cool-ass movie.


5:30 p.m. — FX — Looper

Speaking of good villains, I would never have predicted Jeff Daniels would make such a compelling bad dude. He pulls it off! Just one of the many cool details of this movie.


6 p.m. — SyFy — Terminator 2: Judgment Day

You wouldn't think a fairly intelligent big budget blockbuster could be made without one single good acting performance, and yet, here we are.


7 p.m. — Sundance — The King's Speech

This movie could not be improved in any way. Even the depiction of Winston Churchill is awesome and worth tuning in for, and he's a tiny character.


7:30 p.m. — abc Family — Monsters, Inc.

Not the best of the Disney Pixar flicks, but, in my opinion, the last one that was actually all that awesome (other than Finding Nemo).


8 p.m. — AMC — The Bourne Supremacy

The dour, joyless, self-important sequel to the awesome The Bourne Identity.

8 p.m. — TVGN — Slumdog Millionaire

This is a great movie! Danny Boyle has made a handful of really great movies, arranged around the absolute mess that was The Beach.


9 p.m. — SyFy — Independence Day

Psych, nah, don't watch this junk.

9 p.m. — Sundance — The Princess Bride

Watch this instead.

Stay warm, jerks! For the love of God, stay warm.

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