Insert "They Couldn't Use Their Hands" Joke Here

Goddammit, why can't American athletes be as interesting and publicly debaucherous as British athletes? We mean, seriously.

Sunderland keeper Ben Alnwick, 19, winger Liam Lawrence, 24, and striker Chris Brown, 21, all took part in and orgy. They were joined by ex-teammate Martin Woods, 20, now at Rotherham United, and two pals — not thought to be players — who remained clothed. The orgy, which took place in a flat, involved the six men and a mystery brunette girl — referred to as "Stevie". The seven-minute video shows England under-21 star Alnwick winking at the camera as he has sex with her. Then Woods — still wearing his jumper — is shown performing a sex act on himself. Brown — who does Match of the Day style commentary throughout — hints their orgy antics are a regular fixture when he says of the two clothed pals: "Here's the boys — the watching faithful — every week without fail."

We have no question these types of wacky hijinks take place on a regular basis in American sports — it's why God invented the bye week! — but they just never sneak out. It's a shame too; we mean, they included commentary on the video, for cripes sake.

Keane Fury Over Roasting Romp [The Sun]