Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Insights Gleaned From Watching The Blurry LSU Fight Video Way Too Many Times

First watch the above video, a news report featuring surveillance video at Shady's bar. Then take a look at the one below, which purports to be cell phone footage of the actual brawl.

Ok, so it looks like Andrew Lowery is having an argument with his ex-girlfriend, and that's what made her take out a restraining order on him the next day, but then Jordan Jefferson comes in wearing sunglasses, why he's in sunglasses after midnight I truly have no idea but that's only a class 2 misdemeanor, and then Jefferson hugs a girl while Lowery's scuffling with his, and if we were to judge guilt and innocence based on the emotional mindsets of the two at this moment, Lowery would be in federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison and Jefferson would be starting for LSU and throwing all the pick-sixes he wants. So then the newslady says Lowery was thrown out of the bar, even though this video shows him leaving on his own, so I don't know if that's a mistake or the video just doesn't show everything, but it's really not relevant to the question at hand here, namely the battery charges against Jefferson.


So then we go to the actual video of the battery, which shows—what—fuck if I know, it's dark and blurry and I don't have the night vision of a bush baby, except it seems to show someone, maybe Lowery, on the ground getting beat, and someone in a dark shirt kicking him, and here's where LSU fans would like to point out that in the earlier surveillance footage, Jefferson was wearing a white, or maybe gray shirt, so case closed, Jefferson's innocent, it's a frame job and a conspiracy by the rest of the SEC or maybe just the incompetency of the Baton Rouge police, except, no, because I still can't see shit, captain, and I don't know if this is Lowery getting beat, or one of the three other hospitalized victims that no one seems to be talking about, and even if it does show a guy in a dark shirt, maybe it's an undershirt, and at 1:06 it kind of looks like a guy in a light shirt comes in for his own stomp, but I'm not sure because, again, this video was apparently shot through a lens submerged in vaseline and held by someone with Parkinsons, and none of this really matters anyway because if anyone hopes to get a conviction based solely on this, they're an idiot, and same with anyone who expects to get an acquittal with it.

And can someone please shut that dog up?

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