Big Daddy Drew's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo previews the upcoming weekend of the NFL every, well, every Thursday afternoon.
This weekend marks the end of the college football regular season. College Football: Where Momentum Goes To Die!™ For years, after the end of the college regular season, the NFL would broadcast two afternoon games on Saturday in December. But starting last year, when the NFL Network began broadcasting its own Saturday night game, those two afternoon games suddenly, and inexplicably, disappeared.
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
This rant is aimed squarely at Paul Tagliabue, who presided over this idiotic scheduling change, and Roger "The Ginger Hammer" Goodell, who has allowed it to continue for yet another year. Listen very carefully, you two, to what I am about to say:
FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU BLIND.
Why the FUCK did you get rid of Saturday afternoon football in December? What possible purpose could it serve? Is it because you want the NFL Network game to be some kind of showcase game or some shit like that? Well, FUCK THAT. Fuck your network and fuck you. And fuck Bryant Gumbel.
"Ooh, look Cris! The (looks down at paper) Pack-ers of... Green Bay? Really? Green Bay has a team? I thought Green Bay was just a paper mill town! Anyway, the Pack-ers have scored another touchgoal! That bearded fellow throwing the goatskin is quite adept!"
I can fully appreciate a Saturday night game without being deprived of the previous games in the afternoon, thank you very much. Last I checked, the Sunday night games on NBC do just fine as part of a daylong triple-header. Ideally, December should be a time when you get an orgy of NFL football on both Sunday AND Saturday.
So why the fuck isn't this happening? I remember hearing about the advent of the Saturday night game last year and thinking to myself, "Oh, great! Now I can watch three games that day!" I was excited to watch MORE football. See how that works, Tweedledee and Tweedlebuttfucker? When I found out the day games were eliminated, I didn't think to myself, "Oh boy! Now I can really focus on that night game!" I thought, "FUCK THOSE FUCKING FUCKS. FUCK. KILL. MAIM."
I expect this kind of stupidity from college football ("Hey, this season's getting pretty exciting! Let's all take a month off!"), but not from you. Without any NFL games on Saturday, there's no football to watch at all. I have to watch college basketball a good eight years before it begins to get interesting, or the fucking Skins Game, or some other bullshit like that. It's like the offseason has already started. And the NFL offseason is already SEVEN FUCKING MONTHS LONG, okay? I don't need a reminder of that during the season, you two. Christ, it's already Week 13. I'm running out of football here, God dammit!
These games are precious to me. I'd like to watch as many of them as possible. If you restore the Saturday afternoon games, fans like me can, you know, FUCKING WATCH THEM, and make even more money for the TV networks, and for you. See how that works? I'm blindly loyal to your product. Yet you seem to view this as some sort of problem. Why would you scrap those games? Now I gotta spend my December Saturdays talking to my wife, or reading, or carving my initials into my arm, or going fucking Christmas shopping. GAH, Christmas shopping! See what you two have reduced me to?
Two years ago, Tiki Barber and Larry Johnson staged one of the best fantasy back duels in recent memory on a Saturday afternoon. I remember watching it in a bar. It was awesome. And now, such a lovely Saturday afternoon is no longer possible. Why? Fuck if I know. So, Paul and Rog:
BRING THE FUCKING SATURDAY AFTERNOON GAMES BACK OR I WILL FIND YOU AND TEAR OFF YOUR SCROTUM AND THEN WIPE MY ASS WITH IT AND THEN FEED IT TO YOU.
I call that move the Pakistani Beef Jerky. Don't make me give it a whirl.
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Packers at Cowboys: Are you a Packer or Cowboy fan that no longer lives in your hometown? Well then, you get to spend Thursday night in a crowded bar! Yes, the best NFC game of the year is only available on the NFL Network, and on local stations in Dallas Milwaukee, and Green Bay. This is the result of squabbling between the NFL and the big cable carriers. Here are some fun quotes from both sides of the debate. And by "fun," I mean "retarded."
Roger Goodell: "The NFL Network was created simply as a vehicle to bring more football to fans."
Really, Rog? Is that why you then eliminated the Saturday afternoon games? To bring more football to me? I guess that less literally IS more! Oh, thank you, kind sir!
Comcast Chairdouche David Cohen: "We will protect our customers from having to pay for a network that we don't think all of them would necessarily want to view."
You mean there are cable networks that not EVERYONE would want to view? "Niche" channels, as it were? Say it ain't so! I know I spend my time watching EVERY SINGLE FUCKING NETWORK available on my system. Can't get enough of that Eternal Word! Or Fine Living! I can't imagine a world where the purpose of cable television is to present customers with variety! Dumbfuck.
But wait, there's more! From Time Warner VP Of Aggravated Idiocy Ron McMillan: "We're not hearing from our customers about this."
A cable company not hearing from customers? Could it be because they NEVER ANSWER THE GODDAMN PHONE?
And finally, from the Double-J himself: "The cable companies are screwing with our fans, if you will."
Yes. The cable companies are fucking you over. But just them! The NFL is completely innocent! All it did was move programming that had previously been available for no additional charge onto their own network in order to get more money out of you! Don't you see how magnanimous a gesture that is?
I hope both sides get ass cancer.
Jaguars at Colts: With all of the Colts' injuries, along with their inevitable post-Super Bowl general malaise, there won't be a better opportunity for the Jags to overtake Indy in the division. That's why they'll lose this game by about 30.
Patriots at Ravens: The Patriots are a mortal lock to break the all-time team scoring record held by the 1998 Vikings. The coordinator for those Vikings? Why, Brian Billick, of course. Those Vikings scored 556 points, roughly 456 more points than the cumulative total of all Billick-coached teams since!
Bengals at Steelers: Stay tuned for World Championship Harness Racing on the Heinz Field turf just before the game! George Toma's rolling over in his grave as we speak!
Lions at Vikings: Purple Jesus is back! Just in time to shred all the other ligaments in his knee! Thanks, Brad Childress!
Seahawks at Eagles
Giants at Bears
Bucs at Saints
Browns at Cardinals
Bills at Redskins: Just this one time: Go Skins.
Chargers at Chiefs
Texans at Titans
Broncos at Raiders
Niners at Panthers
Jets at Dolphins
Falcons at Rams
Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
"I Get Wet", by Andrew WK, who pulls triple duty as a rock star, a motivational speaker, and my personal online avatar. I love Andrew WK's first album, and I really enjoyed seeing him in concert at Irving Plaza in Manhattan. He dropped balloons on the crowd! He carried an audience member on his shoulders! (But not me. He's not stupid.) He grabbed a water bottle and did indeed get wet! Fuck yeah!
But even I have to accept that AWK's philosophical musings are a touch, uh, incoherent. I dare you to try and read this interview in its entirety. I started off thinking AWK was saying something important. It was only halfway in when I realized, "Wait, this guy is kinda retarded." Witness this passage:
What's my perception of others, what's my perception of myself? How had I been operating and how will I now operate with what I'd like to think is an increased awareness? Not just an awareness of what's going on around me, not just attempting to perceive more, but to perceive more about what I'm perceiving and to think about how I think.
In other words, AWK is unsure of his perception of his perception, but will attempt to perceive more about what he is perceiving and how he perceives how he is perceiving. Wait, what? I think he just broke his meta.
Stick to more basic themes, AWK. Let your music be your guide. I'll never stop loving "Take It Off"!
Embarassing Cassingle I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up
"Deeper Shade Of Soul," by Urban Dance Squad. The perfect hip-hop song to rap along to if you're a suburban white kid with an average flow of 4 beats per minute. They spit lyrics in this song about as fast as Christy Brown can write his full name. I half expect the song to just stop after 60 seconds.
Did I rap along to this song? HELL 2 DA YAW. I used this song to patent my white rapper head bobbing technique, the technique used by all white rappers across the globe, even the good ones. Want to learn it? Just follow these five steps:
1. Tilt your head to the right.
2. Bob your head three times.
3. Tilt you head to the left.
4. Bob your head three times.
5. Repeat ad infinitum.
If you want, go ahead and throw in the classic Ad Rock half-smirk anywhere in between. It really drives the douchiness home.
UDS was a group from Holland. This video is clearly meant to brand the group as a bunch of laid-back Californians. But judging by this photo, the group somehow veered wildly off course and ended up becoming some sort of hip hop version of the Village People. Ooh! Ooh! Dibs on the army guy! He's cute!
Bonus Cannibal Corpse Item!!!!!
We're now full bore into the holiday season. And, instead of Christmas music this year, why not fill your home with the dulcet tones of Buffalo's own Cannibal Corpse? I don't listen to Cannibal Corpse's music, but I have long admired them from afar, ever since first seeing them in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. I strongly urge you to check out CC's discography, featuring some of the most poetic song titles in the history of music. You'll get such classics as:
• "Meat Hook Sodomy"
• "Hammer Smashed Face"
• "From Skin To Liquid"
• "Puncture Wound Massacre"
• "Mummified In Barbed Wire"
• "Orgasm Through Torture"
• "Nothing Left To Mutilate"
You'll also get such bonus tracks as "I Cum Blood"! Cumming blood? Sounds like someone's been hanging out with one groupie too many!
Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Cedric Benson. Well, well, well, Benson. It appears that you just had a season-ending injury to your leg. Wait, did I say leg? Because I think the real reason you can't play again this year is because of your ENORMOUS VAGINAL CANYON. Your vagina is so big, I could park Laurence Maroney's car in it. I could hold my company's holiday party in it. Hell, I could probably lead a geological survey into it and find fossils dating back to the Mesozoic era. You worthless fucking crybaby.
Five Potential Key Injuries
• Santonio Holmes (ankle)
• Cedric Benson (mile-wide gash)
• Mike Shanahan (special teams)
• Donovan McNabb (Philly crowd's affinity for inconsistent white quarterbacking over inconsistent black quarterbacking)
• Shawne Merriman (Puncture Wound FIESTA!)
This Week's Suicide Pick
Last week's suicide pool pick of Pittsburgh was correct. Off the board now are Pittsburgh, Indianapolis, New Orleans, San Diego, Cleveland, Washington, Chicago, Seattle, Denver, Dallas, Green Bay and New England (Record for the year: 8-4). We once again pick a both a suicide pool team and an actual way of committing suicide. This week's pick: Tennnessee, and lighting yourself on fire.
"Why that's a pretty blue!" If lighting yourself on fire makes you this goddamn funny, everyone should do it. An important lesson from Master Pryor here: "When you're on fire, and running down the street, people will get out of your way." If that's the case, we should definitely light Frank Gore on fire. It can only help his numbers.
Gametime Snack Of The Week
Mixed Nuts. I'm onto you, nut makers. For years, you nut people have "busted" out your canisters of mixed nuts thinking customers like me wouldn't notice that your salty, oily cartel has, for decades now, conspired to keep all mixed nut assortments at least 50 percent Brazil nuts. Well, I NOTICED. I noticed big time, dammit. I'm onto your ruse.
That fucking Brazil nut is nothing more than a big goddamn space-eater, thrown into the mix to keep you from having to give up your more precious nuts, such as the cashew or the almond. Well, no more! I'm calling you out on it! J'accuse! Nobody eats the Brazil nuts. Ever notice that no one sells jars of nothing BUT Brazil nuts? I did. Know why? 'Cause no one would buy that shit. Those big nuts are mealy and disgusting. They should be used to feed starving children, or to choke the dog with. Instead, I have to dig into the nut dish to make sure my handful is free of these Jupiter-sized albatrosses. Fucking annoying.
I'm also not wild about you, Mr. Hazelnut. Oh sure, dress you up in chocolate and you're a tempting mistress. But on your own, you don't have "it," baby. You're like Edgerrin James without the Indy o-line.
The next time you ladies head to a party, check the nut dish. If the host bought a mix free of Brazil nuts, then you know he ain't no cheapskate. Take him upstairs and give him the oral pleasure he's rightfully earned.
Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week
Yuengling! Yuengling is America's oldest brewery. Which is funny, because for a solid five years or so, I could've sworn this beer was from Japan. Yuengling sounds like the name of a 13-year-old Kyoto concubine. "Come along now, Yuengling! Master needs you to stitch his trousers and make his tea! And to present him with your 'Dewey Orchid'!"
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Dolphins Fans
Top Secret! I wish they all could be double barrel, wish they all could be double barrel gunnnnnnns...
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing and such and such."
Halftime Masturbation Kit
• For the guys: Fitness model Dana Hamm, whose last name should really be in the plural form.
• For the gals: Reader Smurphette submits this pic of a shirtless Jason Statham. "Too late! Too late!" will be the cry when the man with the bargains has passed you by!
Blatantly False, ProFootballTalk-Style, Fred Edelstein-esque Rumor Of The Week
WE HEAR... that I accidentally left this item out of last week's Jamboroo and no one gave a shit. Especially me.
Three Questions Sideline Reporters Should Ask But Won't
• "Tony Romo! Are you aware that you've clinched the league's smiling crown after just 12 weeks?"
• "Mister Wilbon! Care for some Pakistani beef jerky?"
• "Mister Bidwill, is there any truth to the rumor that all employee bonuses will be paid in Brazil nuts this year?"
Your Motivational Pregame Quote for The Weekend
"This is glue. Strong stuff."
Enjoy the games, everyone.