John Elway Has Brass Balls

Illustration for article titled John Elway Has Brass Balls

Whether or not you agree with an NFL team handing a potential $60 million in guarantees to a guy who has neck leprosy, I think that we can come to a consensus on one thing: John Elway has really big balls. HUGE balls. Balls the size of light bulbs. His balls are so big, you could harvest stem cells from them and plant them inside Peyton Manning's cervical vertebrae to facilitate the healing process.


Only Elway could have gotten away with this. If it had been some other figurehead running the Broncos, they wouldn't have had enough good will stored up to openly court Manning and prepare to trade away a player who, while lacking in many basic QB skills, is the NFL's most popular player and a huge audience draw. Elway wasn't afraid to piss off all the Tebowtards out there (get ready for lots of half-Bronco/half-Jaguar Tebow jerseys next fall). He won two Super Bowls and is the greatest player in Broncos history, which gave him the clout needed to take out his big balls and wipe them across Tim Tebow's chin.

There are many, many instances of great athletes going on to become ruinous front office executives: Matt Millen, Michael Jordan, Elgin Baylor, Peyton Manning (circa 2018). Elway might still end up joining their ranks. But for now, I applaud him for having the stones to shrug off a miracle playoff victory and give blue state Americans like me the hefty dose of Tebow schadenfreude we've come to know and lust after. God, I love it. If there were a network that alternated between Duke tourney losses and footage of Tim Tebow being flayed with broken glass, I'd never leave home. Tebow schadenfreude beats Manning schadenfreude every time.

I always get into trouble when I try to sound like I know football, but Manning is good fit in Denver. He'll be playing in a shit division, in a shit conference. And while I never doubt Fetushead's ability to lose a playoff game, he'll be playing with a very good line, a solid running game, two decent wideouts in Eric Decker and Demaryius Thomas (with more help likely on the way), and a good young defense on the other side of the ball. That team can go to the Super Bowl next year easily.

That wouldn't have been the case with the Foreskin Baron at the wheel. Elway could have sat back and let the Tebow thing run its course. Instead, he sacked up and kicked his ass to the curb. THAT'S A DREXL SPIVEY MOVE. I salute you, John Elway, you big-balled, horsey-looking motherfucker. It's gonna be a fun year.