Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Known Man-Eating Fish Strikes England, Devours Goalkeeping Coach On Pitch

A tragedy was narrowly avoided this weekend when a gigantic, basketball jersey-clad fish, presumably hired as the halftime entertainment for the day’s Derby County-Blackburn match, attacked a poor goalkeeping coach in the middle of its act. Luckily, the man was not seriously harmed.


While playing along with the impressively sized water-dweller, the coach in question appears to have angered the fish in some way. Either motivated by rage or ravenous hunger, the creature sprinted over to the man and scarfed him down with alarming speed, ironically while Weird Al’s “Eat It” played in the background:

Thankfully, the coach did manage to fight his way out of the fish’s gullet before being wholly digested, only losing a few clothing items along the way. Sensibly terrified, the man tore off down the pitch to safety.

Employing dangerous animals of this magnitude always carries some inherent risk, even when using the most well-trained accomplices from the animal kingdom; however, fault here lies directly with the Derby officials who commissioned the fish, who goes by the name “Mackeral Jordan,” for not doing their due diligence. MJ actually has a history of lashing out in this exact same way over here in America:

If only there existed a weapon and a soul brave enough to wield it against such a malevolent fish...