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Lakers Lose?! Inconceivable!

Hello, my name is Matt McHale. You killed my father. Prepare to die! (P.S. When I'm not preparing to kill you, I can be found practicing swordplay at Basketbawful.)

You just wiggled your finger. That's wonderful! The following is an actual quote from the Associated Press: "With the game on the line, Kobe Bryant was betrayed by his pinkie." And how can a man possibly succeed when he can't even trust his smallest finger? Kobe shot poorly (4-for-16) and committed a late turnover - both due to his dislocated pinkie, of course - and the Hawks held on for a surprising 98-95 win over the Lakers. Joe "Cool" Johnson led the dirty birds in scoring with 28 points, while Al Horford built his nest in the paint (15 points) and on the backboards (20 rebounds). New player watch: Pau Gasol had 12 points (5-for-14) and 7 rebounds in his second game as a Laker.

That is what "to the pain" means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever. That's how Jason Kidd has to feel right now, especially after watching Pau Gasol and Shaq cash in their "Get Out Of Hell Free" cards. Instead of being traded to a contender - or even a .500 team - Kidd is still caught in the Nets, who suffered their third straight double-digit loss, a 100-84 setback to the Orlando Magic. Dwight Howard was a man's man with 21 points and 13 boards, and fellow males Rashard Lewis and Hedo Turkoglu each chipped in with 19 points. Vince Carter tossed in 18 points for the 20-29 Nets, who are currently 8th in the East despite having lost 12 of their last 14 games. [Insert "Eastern Conference sucks" joke here.]

In my day, "television" was called "books." Robert Horry is so old, his high school yearbook was written in hieroglyphics. Ba-dum-bum! Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all ze week. Anyway, Ben Gay Bob scored 7 of his season-high 9 points - yes, I said "season-high" - during a 17-4 San Antonio run that spurred the defending champs on to an 85-77 win over the magc-less Wizards. After the game, Horry put in his false teeth, adjusted his hearing aid, and said, "I'm just happy to make a shot. I haven't knocked down a shot in ages." Then he started rambling on about how, when he was a kid, basketball was played uphill both ways. New player watch: Damon Stoudamire scored nine points in his second game as a Spur.

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. Before New York's 103-100 loss to the Pacers - the team's seventh consecutive defeat - head coach and supreme mugwump Isiah Thomas gave his State of the Knicks address. "You can say we're not getting better because we haven't won games, but I think over the last couple of weeks we have gotten better as a basketball team." I would like to take this opportunity to refer Isiah to, where he can look up the actual meaning of words like "better" and "circumbilivagination." Oh, and Isiah? That rat-a-tat-tat you heard last night was Kareem Rush shooting you down with 24 points on 10-for-13 shooting.

Fezzik! Listen. Do you hear? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. Poor Dwyane Wade. The Shaq trade must have made him feel like a prisoner on death row whose cellmate just got pardoned by the governor. Including last night's 100-95 loss to the Pistons, the Heat have dropped 20 of their last 21 games. This is a common refrain, but it's freaking hard to believe that Wade was winning a Finals MVP award less than two years ago. Still, Pookie fought the good fight last night, racking up 30 points and 12 assists, but the Pistons had a balanced attack led by Rasheed Wallace (26 points, 10 boards, 1 technical foul) and Chauncy Billups (15 points, 10 assists, 1 nasty overbite).

The minute his head is in view, HIT IT WITH THE ROCK!!! Sam Cassell really wants to be a Boston Celtic, and he doesn't care who he has to hit in the face to make it happen. Last night's punching bag was current Celtics point guard Rajon Rondo, who withstood a bloody nose and a flagrant foul - the latter of which got Cassell ejected - and led Boston to a 111-100 win over the Clippers. Rondo finished the game with 24 points, 5 rebounds, 8 assists, and 4 steals, and Ray Allen knocked in another 19 for the Green and White. The Clips got 33 points from Cory Maggette, who - according to Wikipedia - can often be seen on the streets of LA signing autographs to kids and families.

Let me explain.... No, there is too much. Let me sum up. Mo Williams scored 36 points, but Dirk Nowitzki had a triple-double (29 points, 10 rebounds, 12 assists). Dallas over Milwaukee 107-96.

He's right on top of us! I wonder if he is using the same wind we are using? Deron Williams was driving to work last night when he looked in his rearview mirror and saw...the Denver Nuggets! So Williams hit the gas - 29 points, 6 rebounds, 11 assists - to get a little breathing room for the Jazz, who upped their division lead over the Nuggets with a 118-115 overtime win. Allen Iverson once again played great (34 points and 10 assists) in a tough loss, which gave him a scary flashback to his days with the Sixers. Fortunately, his teddy bear (Mr. Huggie Wuggies) was waiting for him when he got home.

As you wish. If you had to write a script for the perfect NBA game, last night's classic 132-130 overtime duel between the Hornets and Suns would be that script. Steve Nash was epic (32 points, 12 assists), but Chris Paul was flat-out legendary (42 points, 9 assists, 8 steals). Amare Stoudemire was a giant (26 points, 20 rebounds), but Peja Stojakovic was a swash-buckling hero (26 points, and a buzzer-beating 22-footer to win it). I cannot imagine a better story. Well, unless it involved boobs.


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