Last Night's Winner: U! S! A! U! S! A!

In sports, everyone in a winner—some people just win better than others. Like Americans who, let's face it, are the awesomest winners who ever won a victory. Now it feels like a real Olympics!

Yesterday, was the United States' best day ever at the Winter Olympics, which makes it the best day ever at the Winter Olympics. Six medals, three golds, and at least one of them was seen plausibly live! Thank goodness that no one on TV was forced to talk about boring old Norway. That is really our greatest triumph of all. Our two sexiest skiiers did not faceplant on the downhill and Shani Davis (whose story I can't recall, but I'm sure is very inspiring) defended one of his world titles and Shaun White just doesn't give a fuck about anything. (Thanks for giving NBC another reason to never broadcast anything live, btw.) It's enough to give every red-blooded patriot an Uncle Samgasm

This guy with the red hair (kind of Commie, but we'll let it slide) has to invent tricks he doesn't need just to fight the boredom of watching his opponents lose so bad. Thanks to him, America is back in its rightful place on top of the leaderboard, even with our curling teams taking a dive. (Let the sad, snowy countries have something to cling to, right?) Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go wave a flag in someone's face.

U! S! A!