Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Let's Talk About What Should Constitute Male Rights

Illustration for article titled Let's Talk About What Should Constitute Male Rights

Did you know that there is a such a thing as mens' rights activism? It's true! According to this article, there is a small (three inches?) group of HARDCORE BROS who have had it up to here with the ongoing vaginization of America, and they're not gonna take it lying down (unless they got a chick on top of them riding them reverse cowgirl style because HIGH FIVE OH YEAH). You won't find these gents turning in their man cards anytime soon.

It is AVfM’s mission to facilitate the following:

  • The dissemination of information that will expose misandry on all levels in our culture.
  • To denounce the institution of marriage as unsafe and unsuitable for modern men, and to promote awareness of information designed to protect men who are already married.
  • To promote an end to chivalry in any form or fashion.
  • To educate men and boys about the threats they face in feminist governance and to promote an end to that governance.

Sounds cool to me. Chivalry is for suckers, AMIRITE? Hold a door open for you, Missy? Why don't I just hand you all of my precious freedoms while I'm at it? PUSH YOUR OWN DOOR YOU FILTHY SLUT.

Anyway, while these brave souls fight against the scourge of gender equality, it got me wondering: What ARE men's rights? I'm not talking about the insane demands of the assholes mentioned above. I mean... what is reasonable for men to expect from womankind? Given that, over the history of the world, men have subjected women to some pretty horrible things, is it reasonable to demand ANY rights from women at all? What is fair here?

Well thankfully, I'm here to sort all that out. Now if I were a rational fellow, I would tell you that gender differences don't really need to come into play here, and that all humans should ask for the same basic things from each other: kindness, courtesy, respect, etc. But that's BORING. Much better to feed into the ongoing war between mandomkind and Jezebel commenters by creating this BILL ("Bill" here is short for William) OF MEN'S RIGHTS:

1. You have the right to stall for one year before agreeing to some big life change a woman wants to push on you. If you are with a woman and she would like to get married, or have a child, or buy a new house, or move to a faraway boating community, you get ONE YEAR to hem and haw and gradually come to accept that you WILL be buying that house that you cannot afford, whether you like it or not. You get 12 months to stave off your girlfriend by saying things like, "That's a very big decision," or, "Are we certain we can afford that?" or, "THIS IMPACTS MY LIFE TOO, YOU KNOW." Once that year is over, she'll go ahead and make the down payment without you even knowing it.

2. If you're in a relationship, you have the right to ask outright about having sex and not feel like an asshole about it. The average woman wants sex to happen spontaneously. Like, you're just making a cake together and magically intercourse is being had in the bedroom. But sometimes it doesn't go that way. Sometimes, we'd like to know about sex in advance so that we can plan the evening's TV viewing. You shouldn't be made to feel like a creep merely for laying it all out on the table. We're in a relationship now. We shouldn't have to interpret a series of batted eyelashes and shoulder taps.

3. You have the right to get drunk and/or snack without shame. It's Friday night and we're staying in. It is REALLY such a crime to have 14 more beers than we ought to? I say no. What business is it of yours, lady? SO I DRINK, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?!!!!


/passes out on toilet

As for snacking, I am biologically engineered to walk into the kitchen, grab some chips, go back to the TV room, then get up and grab more chips 60 seconds later. That's just evolution at work.


4. You have the right to pause the movie or the sporting event before you begin listening. I am not a multitasker. I cannot process what's going on during this episode of Broadchurch and listen to your gripes about work all at the same time. Please ask me to pause that shit BEFORE you begin your dissertation, so that I might engage you fully. And please... RESPECT THE STORY. I'm watching a show about a kid dying here. It was scripted and acted and shot with the utmost care. It was not designed to be wallpaper. You're insulting David Tennant and the rest of the cast by barging in. Respect the interaction between my mind and the story before you go telling me about why the neighbor's dog is a cock.

5. You have the right to cook and enjoy your disgusting food without someone making faces about it. I'm trying to eat my raw brisket fat taco in peace. I shouldn't be subjected to "That smells terrible," or, "Oh, THAT looks healthy," or "Dear God, what are you eating?" Just leave me alone. Not every goddamn meal has to be balanced. I wasn't even making a family dinner. This was just a lunch I made for myself. I am having a moment with my food and it does not deserve to be ruined by some grim reminder of the ravaging effects it will have on my insides. IT IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS WHAT I PUT INSIDE MY BODY.


6. You have the right to your own email. Unless there is probable cause for cheatin', your email account is yours, and you should be free to have DISGUSTING Gchat exchanges with your friends without the fear of a significant other snooping through your inbox. Your email is your own. It is a digital extension of all your horrible thoughts and if you choose to not share it with anyone, that is your right.

7. You have the right to bail on any improvised Christmas card photo shoot after the first two unsuccessful shots. The kids are pissed now, sweetheart. Give up the dream. You did your best and now you have two terrible photographs of everyone crying and/or winking to show for it. Just buy a card with a tree on it and let's go.


8. You have the right to not be questioned about what you were doing in the bathroom. Sometimes you have to masturbate. Sometimes you spend an extra five minutes on the shitter to play Candy Crush. Sometimes you take a piss, leave the bathroom, and then go running back in five seconds later because you didn't shake out all the way. You have the right to not have to explain any of that, because it's embarrassing. Do you REALLY want to know what we were doing? You do not.

9. You have the right to occasionally check your phone while minding the kids and not feel like a cock about it. I'm gonna confess something: that moment in the morning where I've got the kids taken care of and I get a first look at my phone? That's one of the best parts of my day, right there. That is fucking sad and pathetic but whatever. It's my one moment to break away and see what's going on in the universe. It beats pulling a Don Draper and taking a trip to LA and deciding to STAY there. For three weeks. Men wander. It's a thing.


10. As a single man, you have the right to be rejected by a woman clearly and swiftly and politely. Don't want to kiss us because we're hairy and filthy and possibly didn't shower prior to our date? That's fine. Totally understandable. But if we lean in for a kiss at the end of the evening, you don't have to be like OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING ARE YOU COMPLETELY FUCKING INSANE I HAVE AN EMERGENCY BOYFRIEND. That hurts men's feelings, and we do have them! Men suck at taking rejection and women suck at rejecting men, and that is how you end up with Righteous McDoucheface demanding men's rights, so let's all be open and communicative with one another to prevent such things.

Unless I'm in the bathroom for 10 minutes and making weird noises. That's none of your business.