See this lady? She's involved somehow in tonight's season premiere of DWTS (pronounced "duh-witz"), along with 10 other celebrities.
So let's live blog this right. Hey, remember our old bingo friend?
Yeah, she's lost weight. One whole row and whole whole column! Then again she just got out of a messy divorce with an abusive slot machine and is back down to her dating weight.
In case you forgot the live blog bingo rules:
1. When the announcer (or in this case, host/judge/celebrity) mentions one of the above items, mark it on your computer screen with a permanent marker.
2. Midway through the event, forget about the bingo card entirely.
The 11 celebrity dance-offers are:
ESPN web traffic generator Erin Andrews
Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco
Olympic snake charmer Evan Lysacek
NASA legendary sidekick Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin
Baby producer Kate Gosselin
Boner producer Pamela Anderson
Relevant actress Shannen Doherty
Fake cop Niecy Nash
Someone named Jake Pavelka
Song singer Nicole Sherzinger
And Aiden Turner as "The Beaver."
8:02 — Here come the competitors. They're already showing each tandem's voting hotline. Kind of defeats the purpose of dancing, doesn't it?
8:03 — Another interesting fact about this competition: those dancing with the stars actually have names, backgrounds, and favorite colors.
8:04 — We're going to start with Chad Eightfive. I believe he mentioned touchdown celebrations.
8:06 — Terrell Owens is in the stands. He has zero reasons to watch this. And there goes Cha-cha-Chad.
8:08 — And they're done. That was fast. I guess Carson Palmer didn't have enough protection. Judges: Ochocinco is a "rough diamond," "huge, huge huge talent, yet untapped," and has to "hit it a little harder." I like him going in the top of the second round at pick No. 38.
8:11 — Chad and Cheryl's score: 6, 6, 6. THE FORBIDDEN SCORE.
8:13 — A commercial just used a blink-182 song. Really? Are we going to drag deceased cultural icons from the 90s back into this programming? Which reminds me: Shannen Doherty is next.
8:16 — I wonder if Tom Bergeron uses the same canned laughter machine for both DWTS and America's Most Presentable Home Videos.
8:17 — And they're ballroom dancing. But THAT'S NOT DYLAN!
8:19 — Oh, that feisty judge on the right. She was "swinging your arms around like a primate," had a "rough start," and "portrayed ease and elegance." Personally, I thought it was a little dated. Like, the early 90s.
8:21 — We got a crier here. Shannen was dancing for her father, who's in the stands. And nothing else matters. Not even the score: 6, 6, 6. Tied for first
8:22 — ALERT THE SPORTS BLOG SIREN. THE ESPN SIREN IS DANCING NEXT.
8:26 — Erin's partner is a guy named Maksim. I hear he's known for his pithy quotables.
8:29 — I see she decided to wear the sexy low-cut yellow dress she had on for the Purdue-Wisconsin game.
8:30 — Critical people behind the table: "good moves," a "funky monkey," and then everyone is critical of her legs. And now to ask her some questions, such as what was going through her mind, and what adjustments she's going to make for the second dance.
8:36 — And Erin/Maks' scores: 7 ... 7 .... aw, lemon.
8:37 — Oh, Jake Pavelka was on The Bachelor. I hope he's okay with just one woman throwing herself at him shamelessly every week.
8:38 — Know what's worse than an awful misspelling of "Chelsea?" Nothing. Nothing's worse. Not even world hunger.
8:39 — And now for a Viennese waltz. Oh, I get it. "Kiss From A Rose." Because, you see, Rose was the girl from Titanic, and that was a boat, while he flies a plane, and they are both methods of transportation that will be outdated once we invent telepods.
8:41 — Jake has "Great potential," "good effort," but needs to work on his posture. I would have liked it if he would have included some panthers in the background. Because panthers make everything awesome.
8:43 — And Niecy Nash is handed a cheeseburger before the commercial. Is that racist?
8:46 — Score me some Bachelor dancing: 7, 6, 7. This message brought to you by Boeing.
8:48 — And now it's time for Niecy Nash. I hope Lieutenant Dangle will be judging.
8:50 — And they'll start off with the Cha3.
8:51 — No sass here. That was probably the best one of the night.
8:52 — And the judges are having NONE OF IT. Niecy's about to jump over the table and stuff that cheeseburger in the old guy's craw.
8:53 — And the score update: 7, 5, 6. Stay tuned for our Powerball numbers.
8:55 — Never mind. Luke Wilson would like the cheeseburger.
8:58 — Here comes Evan Lysacek. A sports person!
9:00 — And Winter Phelps will dance the Viennese Waltz with the Russian redhead. Ain't the European Union great?
9:03 — Lysacek and Anna Trebunskaya really belong on a wedding cake. Their scores: 8, 7, 8. This must be new for Evan to perform based on judges' scorecards.
9:05 — Okay, fuck off, here comes Buzz. (If you look closely, in the back of the studio is Michael Collins.)
9:12 — Aldrin's dancer, Ashly, hopefully has daddy issues if they're going to win this thing.
9:14 — He's an American hero, but what they're saying is that his dancing sucked spaceballs. Then again, he's 80. The only dancing most 80-year-olds are doing right now is spinning in their grave.
9:15 — He gets a 5, 4, 5. And NASA loses all their funding.
9:17 — And now for what Erin Andrews will become in the near future: Pamela Anderson. And by that I mean Erin will get some large artificial ... donations to PETA.
9:20 — And now for a 10-second acknowledgment to the orchestra. May they never be pointed out again.
9:21 — This segment about Nicole Sherzinger has become everything I know about Nicole Sherzinger.
9:22 — Uh, Nicole? You got, like, some toilet paper stuck on ... um, both your wrists.
9:23 — Bruno and Carrie loved the dance, but Len's cootery showed through. In case he ever goes into retirement, I think Mike Lupica just might have found his night job.
9:29 — UPDATE: LeBron James has just announced he wants to compete in Dancing With The Stars Season 11.
9:30 — Nicole gets a 9, 7, 9. She's in first, unless the hotline voting has any bearing on the score. And I really have no idea if it does or not.
9:31 — Aiden Turner's on All My Children? I thought that was Kate Gosselin's show.
9:33 — And they're dancing to Duran Duran. Instant winner.
9:34 — Great dance, but the unfortunate result of that last move is that Aiden's partner's evil twin sister just came back from the dead and is carrying Aiden's baby.
9:36 — And the soapy actor is given the judgmental business. Ouch. A Kenny Mayne comparison.
9:41 — The couple gets a 5, 5, 5. Most likely a fake score.
9:43 — Kate Gosselin's turn. I'm hoping for a fall. Do they ever fall? She should fall.
9:46 — Bruno calls Kate a "shopping cart." That's momist! That's also fantastic.
9:48 — Hold on. Did Carrie Ann just tear into the fabric of reality television? She just pointed out that she's not an athlete and not a performer, making her different than everyone else on the show. THEN WHY THE HELL IS SHE A STAR? I'm sure they'll edit out that exposed conspiracy for the West Coast feed.
9:52 — Kate and Tony + 6, 5, 5.
9:53 — And we end with a Canadian. Don't we always?
9:54 — Pamela Anderson is dancing, but they must've forgotten the metal pole.
9:56 — Jesus von Hasselhoff. That was better than the sex tape. Which I HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE, DAD.
9:58 — Tits McGee finishes up the shenanigans with 7, 6, 8.
10:01 — Nobody was kicked off? What a gyp. Guess we'll find out next week. Thanks for reading, everyone! Please don't try to stand up immediately after that final dance.