Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

Time for your Deadspin Open Mailbag Tuesday. Email us here or submit your questions via Twitter. This week, we're covering taco night, Netflix, ad agency poon and more.


I am trying to update my Netflix queue but their Top 100 is retarded, it still has Crash as the #1 movie (it came out in 2006). Any suggestions for movies to add or a website to use that has movies that are a little more recent?


I agree wholeheartedly. For a service that is otherwise a masterpiece of convenience, browsing for new flicks on the Netflix homepage is a total fucking disaster. I think they do this on purpose, so that demand for one movie doesn't jam up their stock. It's fucking bullshit. Just now, I went to the BROWSE NEW RELEASES section of the site. Here's are the first ten titles they recommended:

-GI Joe
-The Proposal
-Paper Heart
-Night at the Museum 2
-Hotel for Dogs
-17 Again
-Away We Go
-The Goods
-How To Be


GO. FUCK. YOURSELF. Holy shit, Netflix. You recommend more shitty movies than Pete fucking Hammond. Here are a handful of major new releases that Netflix couldn't bother to add to their fucking page:

-Star Trek
-Angels & Demons

But that's just shit that's out already. If you're like me, you want to plan your queue much further in advance by adding movies that may be coming out within the next week or two, such as these four movies:

-Public Enemies (12/8)
-Harry Potter 6 (12/8)
-Julie & Julia (12/8)
-The Hangover (12/15)


Good luck finding those upcoming releases anywhere when you browse on Netflix. You have to search around the rest of the Internet for shit like that, googling "DVD chart" and shit. Assholes. I hate Blockbuster Video with the fury of a thousand death row prisoners, but at least there was that list up behind the counter that told you HEY. HERE IS SOME SHIT COMING DOWN THE PIKE YOU PROBABLY WANT TO RENT. How fucking hard is it to put together a similar list on the Netflix site? Instead, like Bob said, we're stuck with the Netflix Top 100, which is fucking retarded. The Bucket List is #3 on that chart. Number three? DIE. I hope the Netflix webmaster is forced to sit through a thousand viewings of Pumpkinhead.


I've got two teenage kids, so I've been through the art collecting process. Here's some great advice I can give on the subject:

Every time one of the rugrats comes home with a new masterpiece, take a minute and snap a digital picture of that fucker (or scan it if you are really anal). Then put it in a folder on your computer called "Junior's Artwork." Make sure the wife knows you're keeping all those pictures. She'll think you're all sensitive and shit. Make that folder into a screensaver for double bonus points. When she catches you throwing out the kid's latest Guernica, you can remind her you've got digital copies of everything. Set aside a couple of highlights from each year of the kid's life and gleefully trash all the other crap.

You're welcome.


Colombian Boy:

If you were gay, you'd be a highly prized "bear". Has anyone else brought this up to you and what do you think of it?


Not so fast. According to Urban Dictionary, a bear is, "A term used by gay men to describe a husky, large man with a lot of body hair." I'm large and husky, but I don't have the swarthy body hair of say, a Greek, an Italian or a Jew. I bet Daulerio's got an ass that looks like an Armenian carpet workshop.

I'm not gay, but I've always thought that if I were gay, I'd be really good at it. Clearly, I know how to work a penis. And I'm not afraid to get collateral ass sweat on my face. I'd be a wizard at the Manhole. Alas, tough shit for you, gays! You could have had an ace shaftworker among your ranks, but God had another plan in mind for me.


While we're on the gay subject, I've always thought the whole thing about tops and bottoms was a myth. If you're a gay couple, shouldn't you share pitching duties? It seems unfair to me that one guy always gets the ass and one always has to take it. I think there's more reciprocation going on than is advertised.

/wildly generalizing


Don't you hate it when your wife or girlfriend uses your razor? The worst part is, she actually throws out a barely used blade and replaces it with a brand new one! These razors are not cheap! Is there anything more infuriating than this?


My old lady doesn't do that, but that would, indeed, piss me off. I try and make each blade cartridge last at least a year. I'll use the thing until there are rust stains on my cheeks. It's insane how much a pack of Mach 3 blades costs. Sometimes, they put it behind the counter with all the Nicorette gum and Claritin. It's crazy. It's its own commodities market.

My bigger problem with females and razors is that my wife likes, without warning, to shave the back of my neck with her lady razor. DRY. Hey lady, this is not a fucking rock you're shaving. My skin is very sensitive, like a fresh born puppy's!



Ever tried standing up to wipe? I know some guys that will do that which completely blows my mind. Doesn't standing up close your ass and smear shit all over the inside of your cheeks?


I had four people write in this week asking about wiping while standing up, which never occurred to me to do. So I went and tried it out just now. Simulated wipe only. Not live combat. I went to the bathroom, dropped my drawers, grabbed a wad of paper, and jammed it up my ass. And the ass closing is not quite the problem Joe thinks it may be (as I thought as well). The twisting isn't as awkward when you stand, which is nice. Less torsion.

HOWEVER, standing up to wipe means your ass is now in front of the bowl rim, which is no good for me. I'm a terrible dribbler, so piss would go all over the place if I did that. Also, sometimes you'll wipe your ass and there's a turtle chunk nestled in there that you didn't realize had yet to drop. Thus, brushing it with the toilet paper dislodges it and it falls into the bowl. If that happened while standing up… DOODIE!


So, in conclusion: Not a bad wipe, but not practical for shitters like me, who have to do lots of paperwork.


So I was driving back from a sales call today and there is a Hummer in front of me, and the license plate of the car was HUMVE. Really?!?!?! How much of a douche do you have to be to actually think that a plate like that is cool? I couldn't focus on work the rest of today. All I could think about was how much of a douchebag that owner of that car must be. Then later in the day I see a Range Rover with the plate MiROV3R. Not only is that awful, but the person had to misspell it cause the correct spelling was already taken! These ppl need to be dragged into the streets and shot. That is all.


Yeah, that's pretty bad. Overall, it's hard to get any personalized license plate and not look like an asshole. The only good one I ever heard was one mentioned on ESPN Radio once. Bob Ley has a personalized license plate that reads DNP-CD. Well played, sir.


Why in the HELL would Leitch skip over the poop story every week? Is he gay?

Oh, yeah. Also: Not a bear.


I don't know about you, but I feel very strongly about pissing in the dark in the middle of the night. Why should I be woken up anymore than I already am by blinding myself with fluorescent light when I've been pissing successfully for 25+ years?


I agree. I never turn on the light to piss at night. You turn on that light, and then all your rods and cones immediately adjust. It's like being punched in the face. I don't like a nightlight in the bathroom either, because even that wakes me up a little more than I really want. After a while you learn to masterfully navigate your own bathroom in the dark. But I also piss in the dark anywhere else I go: hotel rooms and the like. And that's a really fun game to play with yourself: Strange Toilet Night Pissing. Am I aiming right? Am I aiming right? I think I am. Then you let fly, and you know immediately by the sound of the piss if you hit the center of the bowl or not. You either get that loud splash (BOOSH!), or you nail the floor and it goes spraying all over your foot. Sometimes, I think I've hit the toilet beach and kept on pissing, only to learn in the morning that I was washing the floor the whole time.


The biggest piece of shit is in the world is the late game local news halftime update. Most of the games are over and they could show highlights from those games, but instead we get three minutes of highlights followed commercials followed by 4 minutes of local news. If I wanted to hear about pedophiles, weather reports, and school shootings, I'd watch the fucking local news and not football.


Most of the time, they don't even tell you the weather. They just tease it, in hopes you'll stick around for the 11PM news. Like the fucking temperature for tomorrow morning is some precious resource they couldn't possibly divulge to you at this hour. Let me NOT check and wait for you to reveal it to me! Assholes.

I've also been known to severely misjudge the length of halftime. When the half hits, I get up and go start doing shit, like maybe cooking or checking email. I always think I have all the time in the world, then I go back to the TV and there's 11 minutes left in the third quarter. SHIT! What the fuck? I swear I was only gone for ten minutes!


Big Boobs Magee:

I am a newlywed (3 months and counting) and other than cooking, cleaning and good ol' fucking/sucking... I was wondering if you had any substantive advice from the husband's perspective on how to make a marriage last. I know it's a 50/50 effort, but I'm researching my 50 and I'd like to get a general male perspective on things.

Specifically, do you have any "typical wife" pitfalls to avoid? What is the one (non-sex related) thing your wife does that you love the most?


When I fall asleep in a chair or on the sofa, or on top of a bed (sometimes I fall asleep on top of the bed without bothering to get under the covers), she'll come cover me with a blanket. Best feeling in the world when someone covers you with a blanket as you're dozing off. Everything is all right when your lady does that for you.

Oh, and don't treat him like a child or pet.

Another JJ:

Has anyone ever told you that you look like Matthew Stafford? But, you know, a lot fatter and uglier?


And poorer. Don't forget poorer.

Nate Black:

How many bottles of shit does a woman need to have in the shower? I swear my girlfriend buys new soap/facewash/shampoo/conditioner every time we are out somewhere, but heaven fucking forbid she remove the bottles she currently has in the shower before adding the new ones. It's like a battlefield full of mines every time I step in there, I barely have room to bath with all the shit everywhere….and don't give me the shower hanger option…because that thing is at max capacity. If you could take the over/under on if I was going to knock one of those bottles off while showering….bet the over EVERY TIME! And do I pick it up? FUCK NO! Sometimes I'll even use my heavy flow of urine to drive it towards the drain.


I went up now and checked, and my Mrs. has eleven bottles of shit in the shower. And women leave them all over the place: in the caddy, on the soapdish, on the floor, on top of the shower door. I can't take a step without getting a bottle of Pantene falling on my foot.
Yet, somehow, it's always MY bottles that somehow get in the way. Like it's okay to have eleven medium-sized bottle of crap, but my economy-sized Head and Shoulders is some kind of massive imposition.

Women also dominate the medicine cabinet with at least an 80/20 split. Annoying. Men and women really need their own bathrooms. Sometimes, I'll be taking a shit, and my wife will just waltz on in and start flossing or something. And I'm like, "Hey, do you fucking mind? Trying to squeeze one out here." That's my shitting time. That's my time for ME.



As someone with years of jerking experience, have you ever been ashamed of your visual aid because it's pathetic (e.g., lingerie section of Sears catalog) or pervy (e.g., picture of sister in a bikini with a thumb held over the face)?


Not really. There was one time when I was caught by my college roommate's girlfriend while jacking it to The Price Is Right. That kind of sucked. Otherwise, I have no shame about what I choose to jerk to: old women, animated women, dogs, Josh Homme, whatever.

My big thing when I was a kid used to be staying up to watch the talk shows, and seeing if the female guest was wearing a skirt or not. If she wore a pantsuit, I cursed her to her grave. But if she wore a tight skirt, and sat down and crossed her legs, and I saw that little groove of skin running up the side of her outer thigh… HERE COMES MONGO!



I'm a DJ with a rock station.

Other than the "Drink more scotch and smoke more cigars to sound more like Pat Summerall", any advice for a rookie play by play guy? We're starting next week with basketball. Thanks.


The first thing you need to know is how to do the call letters properly. Say it with me: WNnnnnnnnBC!


Are you by chance the illegitimate love child of the guy who is the "VP of _____" in the Sony PS3 commercials?


Don't you mean a fatter and uglier version of him?

Kristofferson Kriskristofferson

Why do people say SOUTH Florida on the one hand, yet SOUTHERN California on the other? What is wrong with Southern Florida and South California? I could go on (Western Kentucky, West Texas, etc.), but you get the idea.


I have no clue. I never even considered that before. That's the best goddamn HIGHdea I ever heard. And don't get me started on Westerly Montana.


I just moved from New York to Hong Kong and Asian girls are incredibly hot. That's all.


And, unlike in New York, they haven't all been swooped up by the black and Jewish guys yet!


You have a kid. So do I. Ever have your kid layout one of those silent but smelly farts that makes you think they threw down in their diaper? It smells so bad that you don't even check. So you take them back to change them, expecting all kinds of chaos, and there is nothing there? That might be the best feeling in the world. Its even better than scoring the last ice cream sandwich from the freezer. Pure bliss.

Even better? My wife and pretty much take turns with the dirty diapers. When my kid lays out one of the farts sans poop and I get that changing table joy, I still play it up. Loudly. I call for my wife to come witness the devastation that my daughter hath wrought. Of course, being a woman, she isn't interested in verifying my daughter's debauchery. She takes it at face value. Now, not only am I spared a poop filled experience, but my wife gets two in a row, (Because, believe me, once a kid farts that bad, a terrible, loose doodie is brewing and an hour or so away. Those farts are like baby thunder. Warning a man that the shitstorm is coming.), and she doesn't even know it. And women say men are stupid.


Oh, Chris one evil bastard. I have that happen all the time, but I'm too stupid to lie about it. I just cry out HEY, THERE'S NO SHIT HERE! WHAT'S THE FUCKING DEAL, YOU LITTLE BASTARD? I CAME UPSTAIRS FOR NUTHIN'!


I read that you worked at an agency in a prior work-life, I used to work at an agency too and wanted to ask you one question. Why do ad agencies attract modestly attractive to highly attractive women/girls like flies at a picnic?


Because advertising and publishing are two fields that are happy to hire people right out of college, so the average woman working there is younger and, therefore, better looking. And it's not as unfriendly an industry to women as finance is, nor does it have hours that are terribly demanding (unless you get stuck on a shitty account). Also, the pay blows, and women in Manhattan can more easily afford to have a bad-paying job than the men living there can. Plus, if you're an agency looking to attract clients, it doesn't hurt to have row after row of attractive women lining your offices.

A long time ago, back when I was working in NYC, I once snuck out of work to go interview at a different ad agency for a copywriter job. I walked in and met my potential art director partner, who was this guy from the South who wouldn't stop talking about pussy. The whole time. Just everything he said was, "God damn, some of the pussy in here!" He had a beer poster with a hot chick on his cubicle wall, and he pointed at it and was like, "God, I bang her so hard." So in walks a more senior art director to say hi to me. And stupid me, I figured raging sexism was kind of the atmosphere at this place. So, attempting to fit in, I had this exchange with the guy:

Senior AD: So Drew, what brings you here?

Me: Well, I got tired of ogling all the boobs at my old agency. Figured I could use a new batch! Am I right? Huh? Huh?


Senior AD (recoils in horror): Yeah. That's kinda creepy, man. (leaves)

They never called me back.


I have a buddy who's getting married in July, and his fiancee has definitely got around our relatively small group of friends (seven guys) before they started dating. IE, in the two weeks prior to their getting together, she blew me and got on another guy in our group before eventually landing on her husband-to-be. My question is this: is it EVER appropriate to joke about this with the guy?


Uh, no.


As a father, what is your stance on putting together Christmas toys?

I personally love when I have to put shit together for them. Gives me something visible to do rather than play with the kids ("sorry kid, clearly I'm PUTTING YOUR SHIT TOGETHER"), and the feeling of satisfaction once it is together is sublime. I AM MAN.


I agree with the sense of satisfaction you get from constructing something. But that conflicts with my intense enjoyment of not doing things. Plus, I always fuck up one step in the process and have to disassemble the thing all over again. Or there's something in the diagram that's completely vague to me and I have to spend eight years trying to figure out just what the fuck it is they're telling me to do. FUCK YOU, SWEDES.


Do you ever jerk it to cinemax movies? Y'know for old times sake.

If I had Cinemax, I would. One thing that always bothered me about Cinemax is… ever turn it on late on a Friday night, and there's an ACTUAL movie on? God, that pisses me off. I know they like to play real movies from time to time to give off the illusion that they aren't a porn channel, but god dammit. Just show softcore after 11PM at all times every night. Don't make this a game of roulette. AND NO, I DON'T HAVE DVR, SO GET FUCKED IF YOU HAVE IT.


Also, apart from their porn series (Best Sex Ever, etc.), every softcore movie on Cinemax now seems to star Mary Carey. I need more variety than ol' Flabbytits.


I went through my entire work day yesterday knowing that, that night was taco night at my house. Exciting right?


Damn straight. I love taco night.

I ate just the right amount of lunch to achieve optimum stomach size and I was famished by the time I got home. I bit into my first taco and I knew instantly that something was wrong. A little background wife for the last year or so has gone full vegetarian which I think is retarded but whatever, it doesn't affect me right? Wrong. I started pressing her and I come to find out that my taco isn't comprised of dead animals but of some sort of soy/vegetable concoction. Even worse is that I discover that this isn't the first time she has pulled the goalie on me.


Pretty sure that's the wrong metaphor there.

I voiced my dissatisfaction and went as far as to leave and go get a flesh burger just to teach her a lesson. My question is this: Is there anything else I can do?


Yes. Cook it yourself. Cooking tacos is fun, and you have control over all the ingredients. Learning to cook means never leaving something as crucial as Taco Night to chance. Pass the Old El Paso…


Just got an iPhone, and have discovered Google Reader. Why is this important? Because there are sites like (NSFW) that have RSS feeds and deliver new porn to my phone on a continuous basis. Don't ever have to worry about the IT department or those stupid HR rules.

We are truly living in a gilded age.

And that's one to grow on. Last one:


I don't care that you hated Favre for 16 years. He's your quarterback. He's changed that team. He's the leader of that team. He's more buddy-buddy with Percy Harvin than he was to any Packer not named Chewy or Bag-o-donuts. And he's been AWESOME. You have the best shot at a title since 99 and it's all because this team is now Purple Judas's Team, not Purple Jesus'. So give him his due. Let's hear that apology. Give me SOMETHING! I have to spend every fucking day with Packers fans who suddenly despise their "Hero." The least you can do is give me some of that positive emotion I miss so much when he was MINE! I don't want to hear Joe Buck and Troy Aikman APOLOGIZING on-air for blowing Favre – but I do want to hear an actual Vikings fan admit he is LOVING the Favre experience and describe why…


We'll deal with this in the Jamboroo. See you Thursday.

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