“Black Saucers” by Lonely the Brave, as submitted by Jeremy:

I can imagine some NFL meatmen getting fired up during warmups with this in their headphones headbanging and readying their brainpans up for the bruising to come.


Indeed. This is just buttrocky enough to make Richie Incognito’s playlist. By the way, that video above is a lyrics vid, which all bands now make because lyrics videos are cheap. The problem is that most lyrics are god awful, and so watching any lyrics video all the way through will make any song look ridiculous. All I wanted to do was rock out and then I saw your band write CRUSHED BY THE FATE OF YOUR FATEFUL HANDS in eight different fonts. I can’t rock knowing that was the best you could do.

Gregg Easterbrook Memorial Haughty Dipshit Of The Week

Image for article titled Making Football Safer Makes It Worse

We haven’t talked much about The Ringer here, because it’s hard say much of anything about an HBO promotional leaflet with 946 editors that offers semi-ironic 10,000-word breakdowns of Capital One ads. I don’t like acknowledging that I live in a world where such a thing can exist. Anyway, since The Ringer started up in June, Bill Simmons has written a grand total of two columns for it. Here is the second one…

A brief history of the NBA in eight fake quotes, five exclamation points and two question marks:

How about you just give me the history straight instead? “Here’s a history of the Civil War in two made-up anecdotes, one Pusha T lyric, a poop emoji, and a series of Westworld fan theories.”

Did you know that Ian Mahinmi will make almost $16 million this season … and he’s not even one of the league’s 49 highest-paid players? Hold on, I’ll put that in bold italics.


Why? I got it the first time you said it. I’m a grown man. I can process the impact of some NBA schlub making lots of bank.

Did you know that Ian Mahinmi will make almost $16 million this season … and he’s not even one of the league’s 49 highest-paid players?



YES I DID ******STAR WIPE*******

Golden State (became) -150 favorites for the 2017 title (meaning you’d have to wager $150 to win back $100)…. Your other option: wager on EVERYONE ELSE to win the title at +120. You read that correctly.


I know I did. You know what? Just write every sentence of this column twice to accommodate the apparently growing number of readers you have that require corrective lenses. “And now, an oral history of Couple’s Retreat in five fake quotes (x2), one cooking analogy (x2), and Michael Rapaport’s imdb profile (x2).”

Seven years ago, I spent an entire chapter in my NBA book explaining why Jordan was the best player ever.


The takes in that book, of course, are legally binding. In fact, NBA agents now make salary demands based solely upon arbitrary Hall of Fame pyramid shifts. “Sure, my client’s true shooting percentage dropped by 28 points last season. BUT LOOK AT WHAT THE BOOK SAYS. LOOK AT IT.”

I promised that I would never waver from that opinion.

And now?

I’m wavering.

OMG OMFG OMFFFFFG! There aren’t enough retroactive Deep Impact thinkpieces to adequately explain the HUGENESS of that waver. Again, Bill Simmons now resides in a strange headspace where the only historical frame of reference for anything is old Bill Simmons podcasts and listicles. Also, he’s still making up metrics and pretending they’re scientifically ironclad, like so:

Any “Who’s your greatest starting five?” argument has to include Jordan, LeBron, Bird…



…Magic and Pick-Any-HOF-Center. Jordan will always best him in hot-take categories like

“Ceiling of Peak Performance”

“Clutch Gene”

“Willingness to Embrace Male-pattern Baldness”

“Signature Moment”

“Force of Personality”

You know, as much as I complain, it’s nice to have hate-reading Simmons back in my life, if only for a brief moment. Hate-reading Simmons takes a grand total of 90 seconds. Hate-watching his show takes far longer, which is why I don’t do it. I’m a troll but I’m no masochist.

Last October, I did a panel at the Vanity Fair New Establishment Summit with John McEnroe…


I bet you did. “A brief history of content in three Teen Wolf scenes, two references to Christina Hendricks’ boobs, and a brief Jimmy Kimmel story. We can solve all content issues if we remember THE MO WILLIAMS DILEMMA.”

…my favorite tennis player ever and someone I had always been dying to meet. We spent an hour talking in the greenroom, another hour on stage, then two more hours in the car and on the airplane. It was the best podcast that I never recorded.


That sounds great. The best thing about any Bill Simmons column is when he reminds you how fantastic his life is. I repeat: The best thing about any Bill Simmons column is when he reminds you how fantastic his life is. Yes, you just read that.

By the way, McEnroe could come back and start playing pro tennis again TODAY and still not be as rusty as this column.


 Curt Schilling’s Facebook Lock Of The Week: Bills (+6)

Meme by Patrick Redford
Meme by Patrick Redford

Schilling 2016 record: 2-4-1

Fantasy Player Who Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death

DeAndre Hopkins, although this is less an indictment of him than Osweiler. Again, I have to watch Hopkins go to waste in FIVE primetime games this season. I’d rather watch a dog get euthanized. This is criminal.


Fire This Asshole!

Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we’ll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year’s end or sooner. And now, your potential 2016 chopping block:

John Fox*

Jeff Fisher

Mike McCarthy

Mike McCoy

Todd Bowles

Hue Jackson

Dan Quinn

Gus Bradley

Mike Mularkey

Ron Rivera

Chip Kelly

Sean Payton

Bill O’Brien

Mike Tomlin

Chuck Pagano*

(*-potential midseason firing)

Someone tweeted last week that Gus Bradley has never beaten a team that ended the season with a winning record, and I don’t need to do any fancy research to know that it’s true. I can FEEL it. I can intuit such a fact using sheer instinct. I’m not sure he’s ever won a game of any kind, frankly. That seems right. The fact that benching Blake Bortles even has to be discussed means that this man’s entire tenure is null and void.


Great Moments In Poop History

Reader Justin sends in this story I call CHEECH AND CHONG’S STILL POOPIN’:

I went to a concert a few weeks ago with a buddy of mine. He was super paranoid about bringing joints into the concert, so he hid them in a ziplock and stashed them in his underwear. He was also uncomfortable about pulling the bag out in the crowd, so he went off to the bathroom to get everything all together. I decided to go with him and take a piss.


As I’m pissing, a security guard walks in the bathroom to do a standard check. Being drunk and stoned, I decided the best course of action is to loudly greet the security guard as a way to let my buddy in the stall know that there was a security guard in the bathroom and he should be careful. I then head out, thinking my buddy won’t be far behind.


As I’m waiting outside the bathroom, another security guard passes me and heads into the bathroom, so I begin to panic a bit. It had been a suspiciously long time for him to just pull the joints out. Then three more security guards head in. At this point, I am fully convinced that my buddy is going to jail and in a total panic. I figured it would be best to at least see him carried out by security so I can figure out where they’re going. A few more minutes pass. I begin to wonder if I might end up in jail too, by guilt of association.


Just as I start to plan how to navigate the prison system, my buddy strolls out, completely calm and happy. I start asking: “WHAT THE HELL TOOK YOU SO LONG? I THOUGHT YOU WERE BEING ARRESTED!” and he simply replies:

“Oh, sorry man, I had to take a shit too”

I could have killed him.

Yeah, that’s the occasional downside to weed. You think you’re in for a relaxing time, then you spend eight hours worrying that you left the front door unlocked.


Gametime Snack Of The Week

Image for article titled Making Football Safer Makes It Worse

Nic Nacs! From Germany! What better country to trust when it comes to putting things inside your body? Anyway, these are peanuts that are coated in, like, double peanut stuff. I ate a single bag in four seconds. I love every shellacked nut I’ve ever eaten. More foods should be shellacked in things.

Gametime Cheap Beer Of The Week

Image for article titled Making Football Safer Makes It Worse

Frick’s Hunters Select premium light beer! From Will!

I picked up a sixer of this at my local Grocery Outlet in Marina, CA for $2.99. Busted out the last one recently, and popped in a Calamondin (mandarin orange/kumquat hybrid fruit used in Asian cuisine, and pretty much the sourest thing ever devised by mankind) to offset the built up skunkiness. Make sure to do something like that, and enjoy the Mooninite camoflague design on the can. Even comes with a pre-designed target for target shooting!


I adore that can. I can’t believe more shitty beers don’t have camo labels. It’s the perfect match of drink and target audience (no pun intended). These people spend 8 hours a day shooting beer cans. Why NOT put a target on the can? It’s just common sense. I MUST BLOW IT AWAY.

Jim Tomsula’s Lifehack Of The Week!

Image for article titled Making Football Safer Makes It Worse

“There’s a lot of Halloween candy kids won’t eat. That’s why my friends down at the abandoned mill like to call the holiday “Good ‘N Plenty Christmas.” You can dig up a thousand uneaten Good ‘N Plentys at the town dump, no problem. And they don’t taste too bad once you get used to it. People now are too fussy. If you eat something enough, it eventually tastes pretty good: old Almond Joys, cat food, unidentifiable oil, hardened excrement. I love a good oil taco these days. Chattanooga Cathy makes them with onion dirt. Best taco you ever had.”

Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Browns Fans 

Full Out, a gymnastics movie my kid made me watch. It’s about a champion gymnast who gets hurt, but then gets better thanks to an UNDERGROUND HIP-HOP STREET DANCE TROOP that teaches her a thing or two about life AND doing cool flippy twist moves. Then she has to choose between her gymnast friends and her hip hop friends at the end. I give it three problematics out of five.


 Gratuitous Miller’s Crossing Quote

“They took his hair, Tommy. Jesus, that’s strange.”

Enjoy the games, everyone.