Malkin's Bar Mitzvah Goes To Shmutz

The NHL Closer is written by Greg Wyshynski, of The FanHouse and The Fourth Period. He is also the author of Glow Pucks And 10-Cent Beer.

Last night, Evgeni Malkin looked ready to become a man. With Sidney Crosby on injured reserve with a high ankle sprain that was probably his own damn fault, Malkin dominated his second consecutive game, with two goals, an assist and the kind of "immovable object" physicality that would have made Gorilla Monsoon grin. In overtime of a 5-5 game, he drew a penalty to give Pittsburgh a two-man advantage and an idyllic opportunity for victory. But the power play ended without a goal, overtime ended with happy Semin streaming down the ice, and Malkin again ended up short of becoming the man. And that's the difference between Malkin and Mario or Sidney or his arch rival, Alexander Ovechkin.

If Crosby and Ovechkin are the Magic and Bird (or Bird and Magic) of this NHL, Ovechkin and Malkin are Shaq and Mourning: Taken 1-2 in the 2004 Draft, and with one playing in the enormous shadow of the other. Last night should have been Malkin's night: A game on national television the buck-huntin' channel, highlighted by his first period check that sent Ovechkin flying to the ice and the Penguins fans chanting "Geno, Geno." Yet it was Ovechkin who matched Malkin with two goals and an assist; Ovechkin who scored his first goal in the shootout this season as Malkin (0-for-5 this year) sat on his ass and watched; and Ovechkin who celebrated his team's eighth win in 10 games after Alex Semin beat Ty Conklin (Pending Nickname: "ConkSucker") for the win. So let the debate rage on: Ovechkin and Semin > Crosby and Malkin?

The Race To Become Detroit's First-Round Bye. That there are six teams within six points of the final Western Conference playoff spot is an indication of two things: That the Los Angeles Kings are the suckiest sucks the ever sucked to not be in the playoff picture in the parity-riffic NHL, and that the Nashville Predators will likely not be a fresh carcass from which teams that actually have a shot at winning the Cup can pick fresh meat like J.P. Dumont.

The Predators have points in six of their last seven games, and disappointed St. Louis like they were Lawrence Phillips in back-to-back wins. Blues fan: "The fan base, even though we've lived through two years of shit, is impatient." And here I thought they'd be impatient because their team hasn't gotten a fucking sniff of the Cup since Lazenby was James Bond.

Meanwhile on Long Island, Colin Powell does his impression of every player drafted by the Islanders in the last 15 years...

Puck Headlines

* Memo to the Lovely Ladies of Toronto: The Leafs haven't won the Cup since 1967. If that's going to change, you're going to have to give up that ass a little more often. [ C-Health]

* Sergei Samsonov suddenly realized he's a free agent at the end of the season. [ Mike Chen]

* How the NHL went from a financial disaster to a profit-turning business ... well, save for the 13 franchises that are still sucking tail pipe. (Fair warning: If you're one of my dear readers who believes the Closer is a tad lengthy, better put on an extra pot of coffee and snort a few lines before tackling this.) [ The American]

* Game of the Night: Minnesota heads to Calgary for a rematch against Iggy and the Flames. By the way: Forsberg to the Wild? Isn't it hard to play disciplined positional defense when you're in a constant state of dive? [ Real GM]

* If I was talking to Al Iafrate about his slap shot and he said something like, "I could tell you but I'd have to kill you," I'd basically shit my pants. [ NHL.com]

* Want the real story about Olli Jokinen and trade rumors? Talk to him in Finnish. On Frozen Pond]

* Finally, I'm pretty sure this isn't what they mean by "rod hockey":