Photo: Ted S. Warren (AP Photo)

You can keep your filthy “dingers,” your “dongs,” your “mashed taters,” you damn dirty apes! Corkscrew yourselves into hell for all I care! Give me a ruthless speedster thieving his way around the bases, as the Mariners’ Mallex Smith did to the pathetic Rangers in the bottom of the eighth inning last night in Seattle:

That’s three stolen bases in one trip around the bases for Smith, who finished the 6-2 Mariners win with four steals and is my favorite baseball player for at least the rest of today. After drawing a walk off Kyle Bird, Smith snatched second base on the very next pitch, beating a throw from catcher Jeff Mathis. Two pitches after that, he swiped third, again easily ahead of Mathis’s throw. A few pitches (and a Mitch Haniger walk) later, Bird foolishly threw over to first to keep Haniger on the bag, and Smith, who’d taken a walking lead off third, broke for home, easily beating Ronald Guzman’s throw.

I hope Bird and Mathis sobbed themselves to sleep. I hope they had nightmares about the mighty Mallex Smith sprinting through their homes, stealing the food off their dinner plates. Stealing their dogs! You don’t deserve the unconditional loyalty of a dog if Mallex Smith is out here mercilessly snatching bases away from you on television!

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In conclusion, it rules when baseball players steal bases, it rules extra hard when they steal consecutive bases, and stealing home is one of the most savage things a professional athlete can do in a professional sports contest. Stealing your way around the bases in one go should be an automatic Nobel Prize. In my opinion, there should be more of this, and fewer strikeouts.