There exists a 43-slide slidehow entitled "The Complete History of Mario Balotelli's Shenanigans." Familiarize yourself if you need to. The man is a magnet for madness, but he has more of a childlike innocence than a malicious streak. He does what he does because he just doesn't conceive of doing it any other way.

Slide 44: Balotelli broke curfew to head to a hip curry spot in Manchester, a day and a half ahead of today's match with Chelsea (where he scored in the game's second minute). Remember what we said about being an overgrown kid? He was reportedly playing swashbuckler with a rolling pin.

The tabloid is calling for the standard curfew fine of one week's salary, the equivalent of $234,000, but come on. He wasn't drinking, it wasn't the night before a match, and Mario could really be up to so much worse. Let's just be thankful he didn't get his arms caught in two vending machines.