Marshall Baseball Player Sues Frat After Being Startled By Anus-Mounted Firework

Louie Helmburg is a sophomore, and the backup catcher for the Marshall Thundering Herd. He hit .226 last year, with three RBI and four runs scored, and missed part of the season when he fell off a deck at the ATO house after one of the brothers fired a bottle rocket out of his ass.

Helmburg is suing the Alpha Tau Omega house and one particular member, Travis Hughes, for neglect causing pain and suffering at a party last May. Let's go to the complaint!

"Defendant Hughes was highly intoxicated on this date and time, and decided in his drunken stupor that it would be a good idea to shoot bottle rockets out of his anus on the ATO deck, located on the back of the ATO house... "Defendant Hughes placed a bottle rocket in his anus, ignited the fuse, but instead of launching, the bottle rocket blew up in the defendant's rectum, and this startled the plaintiff and caused him to jump back, at which time he fell off of the ATO deck, and he became lodged between the deck and an air conditioner unit adjacent the deck."

Helmburg claims he suffered pain and medical expenses, and lost playing time due to his injuries. I can't speak to the legal liability of ATO or Hughes, but I fucking love this complaint more than life itself.

"Firing bottle rockets out of one's own anus constitutes an 'ultra-hazardous' activity ... Defendant Hughes owed plaintiff and others on the ATO deck a duty of care not to drink under age, or to fire bottle rockets out of his anus."

[ Herald-Dispatch] [ Courthouse News Service]