Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion

Maybe The Cowboys Watched Some Rutgers Film: Your NFL Early Games Viewing Guide

Week three is finally here (the Giants skewering the Panthers does not count) and there is just no time for silly, fluffy preludes. Let's just dive right in.

St. Louis at Chicago (FOX): I have a soft spot for Jay Cutler and I have absolutely no idea why. He is so aloof and pisses so many people off by not giving one single shit, I find it fun, though. He also has a cannon for an arm, so that's exciting.


The point that I am belatedly getting to here is this: Smokin' Jay Cutler is great. This one, to me, is perfect. He just looks like some Joe Blue Collar knocking off a few pops after work, only he's wearing shoulder pads and a Bears jersey.

Buffalo at Cleveland (CBS): [Googles "rotting infrastructure"] [Sees two small children wearing Bills and Browns caps with tear-streaked faces. Their faces are filthy with soot and the tears clean them. In their festering hive of nothingness, they somehow manage to project hopefulness.] [Loses the heart to make fun of this game, closes search tab.]

Tampa Bay at Dallas (FOX): Greg Schiano continues his tour of the NFC East. How will he piss off Jason Garret? I don't know. I don't know how you aggravate someone with the personality of an oxford shirt who also happens to work for the greatest meddler in professional sports. Somehow he manages to just stand there on the sidelines, quietly taking it. It may turn out at his next physical that he no longer has a stomach and it has been replaced by a ten pound ulcer, but you almost have to give the guy credit.


NY Jets at Miami (CBS): Wildcat. Wildcat. WildcatWildcatWildcatWildcatWildcatWildcatWildcatWildcatWildcatWildcatWildcatWildcatWildcat. I expect Rich Gannon to spend only a brief introductory moment on the wildcat and Tony Sparano and the Dolphins' familiarity with same. And Tim Tebow. They might show a picture of Tim Tebow performing some Sisyphean feat like pushing a giant tire across a field shirtless. Or completing a pass.

San Francisco at Minnesota (FOX): [Burst of carbonation from an ice cold and refreshing light beer can being opened.]
Disembodied voice of movie trailer guy: Team That Merely Looks Like A Good Team/Team That Actually Is a Good Team


Trey Wingo: OK, Herm. Stink. It's week three and we're looking at the 49ers and Vikings. We were talking between segments here and you guys have some strong opinions on this one. Let's start with Mark.
Mark Schlereth: This to me is real simple, guys. Jim. Harbaugh. In the National Football League it's about setting. The. Tone. And I'm tellin' ya right now: JimHarbaugh. Sets. The. Tone. You got that smashmouth defense pounding away in the trenches. And Alex. Smith. Ohhhhh my goodness. Alex. Smith. You think this kid doesn't have something to prove to the National Football League? It starts up top with your head. Coach. And your quarter. Back. You can't beat [booming whisper] the two. They've. Got. Up top. in San Fran.


Herm Edwards: [sidles up closer to Schelereth, talking from his shoulder] Stink! Lemme ask you a question. Who did the SanFrancisco49ers beat in the first week?
Schlereth: The Green. Bay Pa-
Edwards: Thaaaaaaaat's right! The Green Bay Pa-ckers. An-an-and who they got at the quarterback position on the Green Bay Packers, Stink?
Schlereth: Aaron Rodgers.
Edwards: [arches eyebrow, looks sideways at Schlereth] Prettygoodfootballplayer, Stink! And they did it again against the Lions and Mathew Stafford. Nu-nu-now, Alex Smith is a fine young man, but he is not winning football games Trey WINGO! Jim Harbaugh takes this boy and he sits him and and he says [pointing finger to camera] "Now son, do not lose this football game. Protect that football and we'll be alright." And they have. This is a team that is Actually A Good Team.
Disembodied voice of movie trailer guy: Team That Merely Looks Like A Good Team/Team That Actually Is a Good Team.
[Burst of carbonation from an ice cold and refreshing light beer can being opened.]
Kansas City at New Orleans (CBS): As our friends above might note, defense wins football games. So this is your Game of Attrition of the week.

Cincinnati at Washington (CBS): This is something someone said:

Why this game is intriguing:Robert Griffin III came down to earth last week, and this season will continue to be a learning experience for him. Don't think he won't want to win, though. This is a winnable game, but it won't be easy.


That is my bad, guys. I just assumed he would not be interested in winning a football game this week. Especially one that is a difficult one, albeit winnable. I'll take the fall on this one. Just gotta regroup and learn from this experience for next week.

Detroit at Tennessee (FOX): Ron Pitts and Mike Martz are calling this game and that just sounds like the absolute worst thing to ever happen to Lions fans. I'm more of a CBS guy myself, so this is like the Ian Eagle Dan Fouts crew. Not much expected from your game if these guys are calling it.


Jacksonville at Indianapolis (CBS): Mike Mularkey is in a tough spot. On the one hand it's like, hey, you're an NFL coach, that's pretty impressive. You made it all the way to the top of your profession. On the other hand, you're the coach of the Jacksonville Jaguars. So, that's pretty raw and you have to find silver linings everywhere.

"Obviously, this is not the way we wanted to start the season at home," Mularkey said. "It was not a good showing from the very start to the very end. I told them maybe we needed to take a good punch to see how we respond."


Maybe, Mike. Maybe.

What You're Watching

Via The 506. CBS:




Image by Jim Cooke

Share This Story