Maybe we should introduce Penny Sarver and Aaron Rodgers

These two brain-dead buffoons seem made for one another

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It’s a shame they’re both taken. Or is it?
It’s a shame they’re both taken. Or is it?
Illustration: Getty Images

It was a fine display yesterday of the cycle of white people who have never been told they’re wrong for various reasons.

Aaron Rodgers, who the NFL slapped on the wrist with a $14,650 fine for violating the NFL COVID-19 policy by attending a Halloween party while being unvaccinated, had to go onto his half-apology tour, showing up on Pat McAfee’s show again — wearing a Rise Of Skywalker shirt — which should remove all doubt that his brain dripped out his ear long ago — to give something just adjacent to the “I’m sorry you were offended” usual spiel. He then tried to get out of all of it with the closer of, “I’m not an activist, I’m just an athlete.” Which suuure didn’t jive with his initial rants on Monday, where he wasn’t so hesitant to paint himself a martyr/messiah. Generally when you’re quoting Martin Luther King, either in the correct setting or a heinously wrong one as Rodgers was, you’re taking up the role of an activist. You’re acting on behalf of some cause, no matter how lost, pointless, or dangerous.

Meanwhile, trailing behind Rodgers on the cycle of entitlement is Penny Sarver, wife of Suns owner Robert Sarver, the latter having been outed as a world-class douchecanoe. Mrs. Sarver, the answer to “What if a Webster’s worthy definition of Karen came to life?,” apparently emailed three former employees who had spoken to ESPN about the horrible things they said Sarver had done and said. As these types are inclined to do, the messages bounced from misplaced victimhood to leveling threats at the same time. It’s an interesting double-play, and the psychological double-jointing of feeling attacked while also attacking is dizzying.

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The highlight of Sarver’s communiques from Mt. Zale’s Ad was, “You are crushing my family’s lives.” (I’m giving Penny the best of it here, as the actual message said, “families lives,” but I guess when projectile barfing your privilege at someone you used to hold power over and are still trying to, proper grammar goes out the window). Considering what the Sarvers are worth, and I assume Robert shares his wealth with his family but if he doesn’t then boy does Penny have a complaint, they’re going to be just fine no matter what.

What about the families of those who had to leave jobs with the Suns that assuredly didn’t pay anywhere near what owning them does? Probably just a touch tougher than what Penny is going through.

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Penny Sarver and Rodgers have certainly proven over the past couple days that having a lot of money doesn’t equate to having an IQ level above a slug, but also insulates them from anyone telling them about their slug-level intelligence. Both of these fucksticks never thought anyone would ever say anything bad about them, and if anyone did it was because they were simply “haters,” jealous of a life almost everyone will never know. How could they be wrong? They’re rich, and, in these parts, money = worth, in every sense.

Let’s face it: Mrs. Sarver makes the perfect partner for Rodgers. I’m sure Penny would love to sit around and listen to Rodgers’ former Dead Head turned investment firm exec who tries to get high for the first time in a decade’s rantings. Rodgers can be reassured by Penny that he’s really onto something with his latest theory that NASA is actually mining Mars fluoride to put in the water supply. It’s a match made in heaven.