Man, Apple customers get all the free shit lately.
First it was an album of U2 music, slipped like a particularly sanctimonious and megalomaniacal quarter under iTunes subscribers' digital pillows by the Dad-Rock Fairy. (In this analogy, the "tooth" is "your false sense that your meticulously curated library of digital music belonged to you and not a bunch of fedoras in Cupertino.")
Now, the suckers camped out in front of Apple stores in New York and Chicago to get their nerd-ass paws on the same damn phone every grandmother in the postindustrial world will have by February are getting the gift of free indigestion. That's right: McDonald's workers are out here in these streets, handing out apple pies and apple slices to the sad stooge creeps willfully certifying the release of a new smartphone as a Major Cultural Moment.
Maybe, after they get their new Apple iPhone, they can use its high-definition screen to watch a Gatorade advertisement posted as editorial content on a media website while they munch their McDonald's food.
Everything is bad. All the things are bad.