NBA's GOAT is looking to sell his stake in the Charlotte Hornets and other failures

When you’re so incredibly talented at something, it tends to give you a false sense of confidence in other areas of your life. Perhaps no one in a star’s inner circle wants to be cast out so they evolve into yes-men, or a player’s competitive drive makes them believe anything is possible. I’m not a sports psychologist (I just play one on the internet), so I’m uncertain as to why it keeps happening.

A lot of athletes think that being able to buy nice clothes makes them fashionistas when in reality Russell Westbrook is just wearing hand-me-down jeans. Guys create content companies and then make a bunch of vanity projects that the public is supposed to laud objectivity and originality be damned.

But if you’re really successful, like, say, Michael Jordan, you actually do believe you can fly. And that’s given us some great unintentional comedy. From baseball to running the Bobcats/ Hornets, his choice of jeans and facial hair, his Airness doesn’t have Childish Gambino-level diversity, and that’s OK. Knowing your limits is key to the path to happiness, so let’s try to help MJ instead of hurt, and point out a few things that he should never do again.

People don’t forget this, but I have blank space to fill so I’m going to say it anyway: Jordan was responsible for the Washington Wizards picking Kwame Brown (pictured) with the first overall selection. We should’ve known then that Jordan and talent evaluation are not simpatico.

Charles Barkley even said as much, which is why he and MJ are no longer friends. However, maybe there’s hope for them yet. Perhaps Jordan divesting from Charlotte is an indicator that he now knows his limits, and will apologize to Chuck for being so sensitive. Or Jordan’s line of credit in Vegas is dwindling and papa needs another stack of chips?

If you need recent evidence beyond a decade-plus of forgettable Hornets/Bobcats basketball, Charlotte rehired Steve Clifford this season to overlook the best player he’s ever drafted. The coach they fired five years ago who flamed out in Orlando of all places.

I know, I know. According to many accounts, Jordan got better on the diamond every year. It wasn’t a Tim Tebow to the Mets situation where he stepped into the batter’s box because his first sport gave up on him. Jordan did get better, and 99 percent of the human population couldn’t pivot to baseball and hang around the way MJ could’ve if he really did want to finish his career in the minor leagues.

Be truthful though. How much did Jordan benefit from a lack of camera phones? A lot? A lot a lot? A fuck ton? A metric fuck ton? If he endured two years of snarky internet people mocking him on TikTok after every strikeout, how does that impact his persona? His confidence? The man went viral for taking everything personally. He comes off as the sort of person who’d keep at it until he got good enough to tell them to fuck off, and by that time, he may have elapsed his hoops prime.

I mean this is really a problem. They’re ripped and baggy. I have a pair like Jordan’s because I wear them hunting, and I’d rather not rip my nice ones. I understand that pre-torn denim is considered fashionable, and that my preferences are not. Anyone can wear anything they desire. As long as you feel good about yourself — and that’s never been a problem for Mike — do you.

Be that as it may, I want to hark back to something I said earlier about knowing your limits.

From one questionable dresser to another: If there’s enough fabric in your jeans to create a three-piece Canadian tuxedo for a 12-year-old, you might want to rethink your wardrobe.

This had to be a practical joke. It’s almost as if he shaved it that way, and said to himself, “I can bring back the Adolf” then asked Charles Oakley about it, and as subtle payback for beating the Knicks all those years, Oak said, “Do it. No one even remembers the Third Reich. Oh, also, I have a pair of jeans I think you’d enjoy.”

And that’s where today’s attempt at comedy ends. With a fake exchange between Michael Jordan and Charles Oakley about repopularizing (wouldn’t it have to be popular first in order to repopularize?) the facial hair of one of the worst people in the history of the human race.