Michael Phelps Makes America Safe For Weed

Congratulations, dope heads! Your groovy hero has bonged his way into America's heart and now you're free to toke up wherever and whenever you see fit. Enjoy your reefer, hippies, and be sure to thank Michael Phelps when you do.

Since you probably have the munchies right now, why not enjoy a nice big Subway sandwich, like the ones enjoyed by your fog-brained idol? King Abdominals is back on the pitchman trail hawking those tasty, tasty hoagies and that means the Drug War is over! Oh, and pot won, thanks to Phelps' biggest endorsement of all.

Subway, however, accepted Phelps' apology and in his debut spot for the sandwich chain, the Olympian thanks the chain back. You can almost hear all the blunts lighting up in support as Sly & The Family Stone's "Thank You (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin)" kicks in.

Yes, the fact that noted drug addict Michael Phelps is still allowed to sell sandwiches—to children—is proof that the United States is filled with unrepentant Harolds and Kumars who don't care that our greatest hero has destroyed his life with all manner of baked goods, simply because he shares certain physical characteristics of a dolphin. His life wasn't destroyed, and that just doesn't make sense to some people.

In other words, there were no serious consequences. To the extent that endorsement opportunities are a rough metric of how well someone in public life is liked, admired, respected, the bong-heard-round-the-world scandal might as well never have happened. With the benefit of hindsight, Kellogg execs might well be kicking themselves.

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What we're witnessing is the death of a certain kind of shame.

And what the world needs now is more shame. And Doritos. Seriously, are you going to eat that whole bag by yourself?

Michael Phelps ads prove a new cultural tolerance of marijuana [Los Angeles Times] Ad of the Day: "Phleps" [Ad Week]